


The Courage of Stars

by Skamzombie



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Heavy Angst, I promise, M/M, Pain, Parallel Universes, Smut, Soulmates, Soz, Time Travel, but TRUST ME it will be okay happy ending i promise, but also love, but love, first you gotta suffer a bit, happy ending eventually, happy things to come, i mean not much yet but there will be more eventually, i mean yeah but trust me on this, it's not what it seeems, its THERE, major character death (kinda), multiple major character deaths (of one person)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-18 13:45:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13682898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skamzombie/pseuds/Skamzombie
Summary: Isak and Even are written in the stars. So what will they do when the stars try to rip their love away?A time travel/parallel universe au about whether a love strong enough to defeat the enemy of time really does exist.





	1. Saturn

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wyoheartsmusic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyoheartsmusic/gifts).



> Dear my loving, beautiful, precious, kind and talented Wyo Dino, Wyo milo, wyo buffalo, wyo my loveo <3 
> 
> AHHHHHHH angel i don't even know how to start this. i love you so so so much. you are one of the most funny, sweet, caring, talented and beautiful people i know. im so god damn lucky to have you in my life. you bring me so much laughter and light and happiness. 
> 
> I really hope you like this. i kindaaaa took your ask for a parallel universe au and made it ddsbhcdbhhbasj something else. 
> 
> but this is something i've worked so hard on and it's been a challenge but i really hope you like it ahhhh im so nervous. 
> 
> Thank you to.... Nele for giving me this beautiful idea and believing that i could do it justice, Mack for encouraging me to write every step of the way even when i wanted to throw the towel in, and Marta, Georgie and Sarina for betaing for me. (and thank you marta again for making the diary entries look like THAT for me)
> 
> I love you all so so so much
> 
> i have currently written 4 chapters, 26k of this and there is still sooooo much more of this story to tell. I can't wait to share it with you <3 
> 
> love, your secret admirer 
> 
> (oh and title from saturn by sleeping at last ofc ;) <3)

 

 _You taught me the courage of stars before you left._  
  
_How light carries on endlessly, even after death._  
  
_With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite._  
  
_How rare and beautiful it is to even exist._

[Saturn, Sleeping At Last](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3lWwMHFhnA)

 

 

_**Samme tid et helt annet sted** _

 

 

**_April 16th 2018_ **

 

“I’m going to invent time travel”

Even’s arm tightens around Isak’s chest as he looks down at the beautiful boy with an amused smile. “Oh are you now?” he asks, humour in his voice, and the sound lingers and lurks in the air, leaving tingles across Isak’s body.

Isak curls in closer into the warmth of Even; beautiful, strong, kind _Even_. The boy who swept him off his feet, the boy who has, in the palms of his hands, a chain of Isak’s firsts.

His first kiss, his first boyfriend, his first love; his first….well _everything_.

He’s all he knows, he’s all he wants and as he looks up into Evens bright blue eyes, he smiles the softest smile of a boy in love before nodding his head and replying “mmhmm i’m going to travel back in time to this moment.”

Even narrows his eyes, confusion and suspicion painting clear across his face. “What will you change?” he asks his fingers tracing patterns along Isak’s back.

Isak looks up to get a better look at the boy who owns his heart. Who wears it around his neck in a pocket watch, a photo of them bundled in scarves, in the cold, while Even presses his lips against Isak’s cheek - hidden inside the brass lid and pressed tightly against time.

“Nothing” Isak murmurs, pulling himself up, crawling closer and closer against Even, until half of him is on top of him, and the other half is tangled around his legs, entwining their bodies, pushing them as close as they can be so they could never fall apart.

“I don’t want to change a single thing about us”

Even smiles at Isak’s words as his hand tangles in Isak’s hair and brushes it back - once, twice, three times and then it just stays there, resting upon the crown of his head like an anchor of support and warmth and comfort.

It was the best feeling in the world.

The kind of feeling Isak would do anything to feel, again and again and again.

“So why bother with time travel then?” Even asks, his smile so clearly apparent in his tone.

Isak grins, makes sure his face is so close to Even there will be no way he could ever miss the words that slide off his lips next.

“So I can come back here and make sure this moment never ends.”

“Never?” Even smiles down at him and Isak nods, the movement causing his chin to make contact with Even’s chest.

“Never” Isak confirms.

Even hums. His hand returning to Isak’s back, where the patterns begin again. “But what about everything else?”

Isak frowns “What else could be more important than this?”

Even kisses the frown away, brushing his fingers against Isak’s dimple.

“Lots of things baby; like the first time we move in together-”

Isak smiles.

“- the first time we get a dog…”

“Cat” Isak interjects.

Even rolls his eyes before continuing, “When we get married, our first baby, our first grandbaby”

Isak laughs but it’s hard to ignore the warmth of the idea of their future flood through him as the visions of their life together flash inside his head over and over again. Everything they have and will have, building deep within his heart. Their future so bright so beautiful - everything he never knew he wanted,  everything he never thought he would be able to have, here, lying next to him.

“And of course, the rest of our lives, even when you’re old and wrinkly. Then, maybe _then_ you’ll have an excuse to be grumpy.”  

“Shut up” Isak giggles, kicking Even’s ankle.

“And then we will be in each others arms when it’s time for infinity to begin and last for well-”

“Infinity” Isak finishes, smiling at the man of his life as he leans down and kisses his lips. The feeling lingers, holds him tight, keeps him warm.

“I love you Even Bech Næsheim, always and infinity”

Even leans forward and pulls Isak towards him, wrapping him in his arms and lets his words be the last Isak hears before he falls asleep and the lights go out.

“I love you Isak Valtersen, in every universe, in every world, in every timeline- I will love you.”

And as the words carry him away Isak tries to whisper back, but with sleep already taking him as prisoner nothing comes out; but the words are frozen in Isak’s dream; shining in bright bold letters, holding him tight, making it impossible to ever forget the eternal message hidden within him.

The words he’ll hold onto forever.

The words buried deep in the grasp of his entire identity.

The words he whispers into the night, painted on his lips forever

“and i will always find you.”

 

-

 

Buzzing.

That is the first thing he hears. It wakes him up - the sound so loud, so strong, it makes his head spin.

His body reaches out for the arms he expects to be wrapped around him.

But all he can touch is emptiness.

The air is cold and the absence of any noise but the buzzing leaves a poisonous feeling in the depths of his body.

He looks around, noticing the silence, the empty room, the deep unsettling chill inside his bones.

And then finally, his eyes land on the writhing form of his phone on the bedside table, buzzing buzzing buzzing, pleading for him to touch, to answer, to hold and whisper into it until the silence comes back and leaves it in peace.

He picks it up, holds it in his hand, feels the vibrations make his entire hand tingle and squirm under the cool object.

The number. The number covered in cobwebs of anxiety and worry, the number next to how many calls were missed, froze Isak into a frame of denial as his eyes fell upon the screen.

It was nothing. Of course it meant nothing.

Don’t panic.

Don’t worry.

Don't avoid.

Breathe.

Breathe .

Breathe.

But as his fingertip brushes against the screen and the world grows silent as the voices on the other end tells him that his life, his future, his sun, his moon, his stars, the entire universe as he knew it and as he wanted to know it, is completely-

Gone.

Obliterated from existence.

Lost

Dead.

Those words over the phone on repeat in his head until they lose meaning, until they were just words.

“We Lost Even”

And then... he forgets how to breathe.

 

-

 

Noise, so much noise.

It surrounds him, buries him in deep, coats him in the feeling of unbearable weight forcing him down down down.

He is drowning on dry land and he can’t swim.

What was breathing?

Everything feels out of focus, out of reach and out of time.

But there is too much noise.

It was making his ears ache. Stop stop stop stop stop.

No more

Please stop.

Make it stop.

The feeling of arms being wrapped around him, more voices more noise. It wouldn’t end.

It wasn’t ending .

It is buzzing, all he can hear is the buzzing. When he tries to find the source of the noise; his hands came back empty.

More weight on his back, more limbs tangling themselves around him.

It was meant to be comfort.

Meant to help

But all he wanted was the noise to end.

To feel the grasp of warmth in the form of a hand, or a face, or a body.

He needed the sun;

But all he could feel was the cold remains of an ocean pulling him under.

“Isak, Isak, Isak, Isak” over and over and over.

“Breathe”

He should be able to, shouldn’t he?

What a simple request.

But his lungs were full of the buzzing, it got in there somehow, choking him; imprisoning him inside his body.

Breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe.

More hands, more limbs, more voices, more hugs.

“Isak please”

He was being swallowed whole, being pulled deeper; choking on dry air - drowning in the remnants of everything shattered around him.

“Isak breathe; talk to me please”

Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz

Cold, freezing, choking, broken - gone.

And then finally a scream.

So loud, so piercing, so terrifying it broke him out of the ocean, away from the buzzing and back to his body.

“Isak”

Eyes.

He sees eyes. Brown and familiar and warm.

Jonas.

But all he can feel is the sharp shard in his chest of crippling disappointment and pain. They weren’t the eyes he needed.

Those eyes were gone.

And that’s when he realises, the screaming is coming from him.

And then he falls back into the ocean.

 

-

 

When he could feel again, when his eyes opened and the sun cascaded down, falling into the room to cast shadows on the floor of the world outside...a world without

Him.

Isak felt it all.

Harder and faster and deeper than anything he’s ever felt before.

The tears broke him in half, a jagged crack splitting him down in the middle as the tears wrack his body; rocking him, consuming him, filling the room with his painful screams.

Filling the world with the sound of a heart breaking, and a boy falling apart, until all that remained was the pain clogging the air like a poison mist, tickling the throats of everyone in its presence.

Even Bech Næsheim was no longer in this world, and Isak had no doubt everyone could feel it.

The emptiness, the light missing, the darkness spilling down in every corner on earth.

But then again.

Why would they?

The world moves on.

People's lives go on.

People die every day, and still time moves, people go to wok, go to school, they fall in love;

without even knowing, without even caring; that somewhere, someone's sun has disappeared.

For infinity.

And the thought makes the pain spread to Isak’s bones, like a disease, he imagines the pain to mirror black veins creeping across his pale skin and draining him completely with their tight clutches.

The idea comforts him a little.  
He isn’t sure if he wants any of the bits left of him anyway.

He wants to float away.

 

-

 

He looks up at the ceiling, the chipped paint, the filthy light bulb, the way the ceiling feels so high so out of reach. Impossible for Isak to touch, or grasp, or pull under him; to make the edge of the world disappear beneath him.

 But instead the ceiling just stares back at him, judging him, haunting him, teasing him. And Isak can’t take it any longer.

He moves.

Finally.

He stretches his legs, kicks at the chair across from him with his feet, throws his arms out and shakes his head from side to side, feeling his neck crack satisfyingly with the motion.

He looks up and watches as the curly haired boy walks towards him carrying a tray full of food and coffee in his hands, eyeing it carefully with his every step.

When he notices Isak staring he smiles ”look LOOK! I didn’t spill a single drop, and I got you one of those doughnut things you like”

“Jonas you don’t-” Isak is cut off by the feeling of arms wrapping around him as an array of auburn hair slaps him in his face causing him to cough.

“Isak! It’s been too long, we miss you” Eva says, pulling away just in time to offer him a pitying smile, - like Isak hasn’t gotten enough of them in the last three months.

“You saw me two days ago” he replies

Isak stares at them, and watches as they squirm and look him over; their eyes boring into him, like an invisible detector of anything broken inside him.

Too bad all they will find, are the jagged remains sticking out of him like a shattered corpse of a person.

“Oh you mean that zombie shell you have been hiding in for three months?” Eskild says as he appears from behind Isak and sits in the chair closest to the window.

“What? I had to use the little boy’s room” he says defensively as Jonas shakes his head.

“Listen Isak what we mean is-”

“How are you feeling?” Eva asks cutting Jonas off entirely, her face filled with concern as she takes a seat across from him.

Isak stares blankly at her… how is he feeling? Empty, heartbroken, angry, sad, like his heart had been torn in two and bleeding open.

Isak’s mind is reeling so fast he nearly misses the glare Jonas shoots Eva, from the chair next to him..

Eva grimaces, “right, dumb question. _Fuck._ ”

Isak’s body feels like lead, he feels heavy and tired and like every single muscle in his body is pulling down into the ground, into unfathomable uncertainty of darkness and silence.

He just wants to fall back into the darkness and not return.

But they don’t want to hear that. They don’t want to hear about the dark and the poison and the unbearable.

They just want him to be okay.

So he’ll be okay.

“Guy’s it’s been three months. You can stop walking on eggshells” he forces a smile, but covers it up with a sip of his coffee just in case it comes out as the bitter grimace it feels like.

“Oh thank god” Eskild says “because i’m sorry baby jesus, but you need help.”

“Eskild” Jonas warns.

“What? Sugarcoating it won’t help anyone. And, honey you need to see someone”

“We’re just….worried about you Isak”  Eva’s voice tries to reach him and he nods like he cares but the truth is he doesn’t.

There really isn’t much left for him to care for these days.

“I know right now it’s hard Isak, but it will get better with time.” Eskild reaches over to place his hand on Isak’s in comfort and Isak lets him because he figures even if it does nothing to fill the emptiness inside him; maybe it’s of some comfort to Eskild.

And the least Isak can do is to let him have that.

"I brought some letters... and stuff... from people.” Jonas says softly trying to detour the conversation to something Isak could engage in.

His voice is so gentle and so fucking warm; it is a tone Isak has never heard from Jonas before and he should welcome it, should feel special that it is for him.

He should feel something.

But still the emptiness continues to shine in the foreground of everything else.

Still, the only thing that sticks and burns and caresses every single corner of Isak’s being is the immensable unbearable feeling of something missing.

Of a hole being cut right out of him with a cookie cutter and ripped away. Like he was sitting here with a big gaping nothingness in his chest and nobody blinked an eyelid.

Something deep and powerful and something that was just _everything_ was missing and it burned, oh god it burned.

Time they said.

It gets better with time, but the more he goes feeling like there is nothing left inside him, the more the feeling settles. The more, emptiness becomes less of a symptom and more of an essence of his being.

But still, at least it reminded him that this wasn’t a dream.

It wasn’t a nightmare, a fear, an illusion.

It was real

This was real.

“Maybe we could go through them together, the letters and maybe... it’s time to go through his things?”

They are trying to cover him in every inch, trying to hold him together piece by piece. But couldn’t they see the hole? Can’t they see the missing gap deep inside of him they just cannot fix. That _time_ cannot fix?

“We’re your friends Isak and you are going to have to stop shutting us out and let us in”

The sewing needles that split him apart instead of stitching him up.

“Isak we just want what’s best for you”

They mend and they mend and they keep working their fingers on pulling him together but it’s like his body are magnets to the ground.

“I made an appointment with a doctor and I think it’s best if you try to talk to s-”

He’s a shattered glass they want to piece back together, with their bare hands, slicing their fingers, wiping blood on each piece and continuing to put him back together.

They want him together.

But how can he be together when there is part of him missing?

Gone

Disappeared

Lost

Dead

Gone. Gone. Gone.

“Isak we love you.”

The boy attached to that name lifts his head up.

“You won’t talk about it with us” Jonas spoke slowly, calmly, -  his voice like smooth caramel as his eyes looked through Isak, like he is trying to heal him by just fucking examining every part of him, every single bit of his face until he could feel the pain secondhandly. Until the hole was his own.

But Isak didn’t want his friends to carry his pain.

He wanted to return to the dark.

“Nothing to talk about” he shrugs, wrapping his hands tighter around the hot coffee cup.

“Isak, it’s been three months, and you haven’t said a single word. You won’t go anywhere or do anything, the only time we see you is when we force ourselves on you or at school-”

“And that’s a bad thing?” Isak retaliates, annoyance clear in his voice, unable to hide the clear irritation that it wasn’t good enough.

He’s trying.

He is _trying_. He’s going to school, he’s showering, he’s studying, he is eating, breathing living, pretending to be a human and still they are sitting here telling him it wasn’t enough??

That he has a problem because he won’t talk to them about the fact that there is nothing left of him to even care for anymore?

Because he doesn’t see the point in wasting anyone’s time with the poison running through his veins and the gaping hole in his middle that won’t disappear.

Won't ever disappear.

They will not admit it, but the truth is he’s doing them a favour. They don’t want to hear about how the sun in the sky isn’t visible to Isak anymore. They don’t want to hear about how every night he wakes up gasping in the night air because, for a second, for a _mere second_ he dreamt that Even was near.

They don’t want that, but they do want to be good friends.

So Isak plays along

“There is one thing…”

“What is it?” Eva asks as all their eyes stare back at him.

Isak looks away, refusing to attach, but he knows Jonas’s eyes don’t leave him - he can feel him, he knows his gaze.

He has felt it his entire life and he feels it now. But it isn’t as comforting as it used to be.

It’s just more.

More of the same.

It feels like he is in circles going backwards, feeling the same things, thinking the same thoughts, hearing the same and the same and the same everything. All of it.

He needs to just fall back. 

“How?”

The word is ripped out of him without any control. When he hears the voice, the word, the echo of a boy full of nothing but the hollow empty feeling of everything missing -  he doesn't recognise himself.

It isn’t until they are all looking at him that he knows what he has asked.

He didn’t even know he needed to know.

But he does..

“Isak…”

“How.”

“It was an accident you know that.”

Not enough.

“I need to know.”

They stare at him in pity, their eyes boring into him in a mix of love and worry.

“He was- they found him in Ullevålsveien- someone, someone ran a red light and it just-”

Isak freezes, his skin feels like it is crawling, “What was he doing in Ullevålsveien?”

Eva opens her mouth and closes it, “we don’t- We don’t know Isak.” If he hadn’t caught the look Jonas gave her he would have taken her word for it. But he knew that look. He saw it every time he had lied to Jonas about being okay, about being straight, about not needing somewhere to live. It was the look Jonas gave him when he didn’t believe you, or he knew you were lying.

“You’re lying.”

Jonas sighs, “She’s not, Isak. We don’t _know_ why, but-”

His breath catches in his throat. “But what?”

“But we can guess.” Eva answers, her voice calmer than before.

Jonas pushes an envelope into isak’s lap. It’s yellow and bright, obviously filled with something that isn’t paper. The sides are bulging slightly.

He stares at the paper, then back at his friends, waiting for an explanation, but they refuse to say anything.

What can be so important about this dumb, meaningless, tiny envelope, that Even - fucking Even, died for it.  

“We- we think that he- that whatever that is that he-"

“Can you go away?” Isak cuts Jonas off, still staring intently at the letter. He doesn’t care how rude and cruel and cold his words are.

 He doesn’t care. His mind is jumbled and hard to get past.

 It feels like a fortress of bombs hidden underneath the surface. Isak doesn’t want to accidentally step on one so he stays in a little circle he drew for himself in a tiny corner of his mind. He sits there, and he rocks back and forth and avoids every other part his mind possesses.

He doesn’t go near any of it. He wants to be safe, he wants to be away from the demons and the ghosts and the truths. The ugly unbearable truths that he doesn’t want to hurt over right now.

He doesn’t want it.

 “Please,” he chokes

 They don’t want to go, he can tell. Eva looks at him, her brow creasing with worry, but she eventually pulls up her chair to leave, worrying at her lip even as she exits kaffebrenneriet and waits outside.

Jonas leans in closer to Isak. “Listen Isak, I know you. I know you better than anyone and i know you’re letting yourself eat up and break but-” his hand gently reaches up to grab ahold of Isak’s shoulder, gently resting against him as a reminder that he isn’t alone.

“But it’s okay to move on. It’s okay to try and help yourself be okay”

Isak shakes his head. “That’s the thing Jonas, I don’t want to be okay” 

He stares back down at the Envelope in his hands. “Nothing is okay”

Jonas sighs, as he releases his grasp on Isak and stands up. “We’re not giving up on you Isak. As much as you try to push us out, it won’t work. We fucking love you. So just let us”

His footsteps ring in Isak’s ears as Jonas walks out and leaves him alone with the truth.

There's not enough room for the words on this envelope and his best friend.

 

-

 

Isak throws his jacket to the ground the second he walks in the door to their home - well his home now, the ghost of Even still lingering in every corner.

All that is left is Isak, the envelope, and the space that was left where Even should be.

He feels it, the strangling nothing that was his everything wrapping itself around him. This place used to be his home, his safe place, his future - but now it’s just as empty as Isak himself.

He pulls the envelope out of his jacket and stares at it for a few seconds.

The air is still, yet he feels like he is choking on gasoline, his lungs closing in themselves forcing him to breathe on hot poisonous air.

But still, he opens the envelope.

Questions flood Isak’s mind. Why would Even be in Ullevålsveien? Why would he go all that way, without telling Isak? Why would he wait until Isak was asleep in his arms before going and never ever ever coming back?

Why the fuck would he do that to him.

What was so important

What the fuck was so important, that he would lie, and sneak, and  betray and ruin everything they had. Everything they wanted everything they hoped for. Isak is here falling and tumbling and being fucking swallowed up by nothingness, and it was all Even’s fault.    

He did this.

He _did_ this.

It was him, it was him, it was him.

The words burn holes in his vision. And he can’t breathe or think or feel or touch and so he chooses this moment to reach in, and he reaches in deep - for the dumb jagged piece of this sick puzzle. And he pulls out-

Even’s pocket watch.

He raises it up into the light by the chain and watches it spin. It twinkles, it glows and just when he thought there was nothing peculiar about it, he sees, three words carved in cursive into the back, and they knock every breath he could ever take again; right out of him.

 

_Isak + Even  
7.10.16. - infinity_

 

Time slows, freezes, and collapses around him. He stares at his fingertips holding this fragile chunky dumb clock in his hands. He stares as it mocks him, laughs at the useless broken being Isak had always been and always will be.

It was stupid

It was fucking _stupid_

He gave it to Even for his birthday. A symbol of the unbreakable, fucking infinite time they had together.

A symbol of their love, a symbol of their future, a symbol of their forever. And the reason why it ended.

And that was enough.

The thought hit his mind, pulling him under ice ice ice, tearing him down, and forcing him to jump out of that tiny circle in his mind - step on one of the bombs hidden underground and finally

He screams

The sound tosses the world against the universe, rips the trees from their roots, burns down the sky, and freezes the oceans into crashing waves that will never hit the ground.

His broken heart shatters inside him as he throws their fake infinity across the room; his body falling into a heap on the ground the exact same time he hears the pocket watch smash into the wall.

 Pain  - pure unfathomable pain echoes through his body, it vibrates beneath his skin, filling his body with poison and ice, he can’t reach in and pull out, it wasn’t just on him; it was within him - becoming part of his being.

He is lost inside himself, walking in the hollowness of his being, wondering where his home went, where did it go, when will he find it?

He is burning fires where Even is meant to be, the anger the pain, the guilt, fuelling the tears and the hatred, blinding him with nothing but the blurry dark vision of a hopeless life without his home.

It was his fault.

It was all his fault.

He broke him, he broke everything he-

\- Could hear something.

Isak looks up, slowly and confusedly, the beat of his heart racing and his skin tingling. Lying across the room, face down and struck open was the brass pocket watch.

He rises to his feet carefully, the world growing silent apart from the sound of a clock ticking, loud and aggressive. So loud the tick tock tick tock tick tock filled his brain, seeped into his body and moved him with the beat of time.

Lying next to the body of the watch was colour, bright, warm vibrant colour, it lights up the darkness around him, catches the sun in it’s grasp and reminds Isak how warm it is behind him; despite the coldness he keeps feeling.

He picks it up first, the photo of him and even, smiling, red cheeked and warm despite the freezing air hitting them in the face. He was happy, they were happy. It was the first time they ever held hands, hugged, kissed, and loved in public; and the first time Isak was proud of the love they held in their hearts for one another.

The memory was a beautiful one; but right now it just left Isak numb and broken. He gazes down at the ground again and takes in the corpse of the pocket watch and bends down.

His hand hovers over the metal frame, hesitant and gentle, he picks it up, feeling time tick in the palm of his hand, before turning it over, and his mouth goes dry.

The face of the watch is cracked right down the middle, the image of everything Isak had become since life was ripped away from him. It is jagged and broken, the cracks growing and growing - resembling the cracked surface of Isak’s heart.

But this wasn’t what made Isak’s bones shake, his teeth clench and his eyes widen in a mix of confusion and anguish.

Underneath the broken glass, was the clock spinning. And we’re not talking normal _tick tock goes the clock_ every second spinning, it is erratic, violent, insistent. The arms are turning and turning and turning, going so fast it looks like it is possessed

His hands shake as he tucks the photo back under the lid of the watch and his wounded heart manages to beat at a quicker pace synchronising with the creepy inanimate object.

What the fuck do I do?

Isak’s mind is blank. Okay maybe this was nothing, this is just what broken clocks do i’m sure, he thought - but yet he had a feeling, a weird sweaty chill, down his spine pulling him closer and closer to the watch - causing his hand to itch and his heart to race, as he presses the little knob on the side; and waits for the sound of the satisfying click to reach his ears.

Waiting and waiting and waiting; - but instead the clock stops spinning.

He fixed it.

But just as his heart begins to grow back into its normal pattern - the spinning comes back but so hard and so fast it makes Isak dizzy - so dizzy he feels like the room is spinning.

Wait the room _is_ spinning.

Fast fast fast so fast he can barely breathe, the room is closing, the sky darkening, the world falling - it was falling; he was actually in the middle of the world falling apart and all he could do was not vomit.

He vomited anyway, - it spun and flew past him, disappearing into nothingness. Time covers the edges of every corner around him, flashing and burning - tossing him into a black hole of stars - it felt like stars at first. But soon as he found himself falling and falling and falling deeper; he realized they were all just - clocks

Mini clocks coating the darkness around him as it swirled and spun and whirled in a midst of time.

And then suddenly after falling for what felt like hours, he was hitting the ground with a loud thud, the shadows moving, the clocks disappearing, and all that was left; sitting in the palm of his hand - was the cracked pocket watch.

And it wasn’t moving at all.

The first thing Isak notices is the chill - it creeps down his arms, his spine, coating his body in ice. The second thing he notices is the lack of sunlight creeping through his w-

Wait.

No window.

Isak spins around, looking at the grey cloudy sky glooming above him, the street he is standing in the middle of, and the buzz of a cold wintery morning in oslo.

Except….. It wasn’t winter. Last Isak checked they were in the middle of July; and warmth and sun kept trying to peek through the window he was insistent on blocking out.

Last Isak checked, he was inside his stuffy prison cell of a room wearing the same shirt for the last 4 days.

Last Isak checked there wasn’t christmas decorations still hanging up in the city; from December.

Isak looks down and realises he is wrapped up in winter jackets, and his neck is covered in the black scarf he hasn’t seen since letting Jonas borrow it in January.

Something eerie creeps up Isak’s spine, leaving goosebumps against his skin and causing his mind to jump and stammer and blank in confusion.

This isn’t right. This is a dream, it’s just a dream.     

He grabs a chunk of skin on his arm between his fingers and pinches hard, wincing at the pain, and waits…

Nope still awake.

He’s delirious, crazy - the pain, the loss, the grief it’s killed him that’s what this is; that’s what's happening, this is nothing but a-

“Halla”

What is left of Isak’s heart nearly melts at the sound. The deep, velvet and gentle sound of the voice of the man of his life.

He almost doesn’t want to look. How could he?

How could he look at everything he doesn’t, and can’t have? The thought gives him torture.

So Isak finds a solution-

He looks.

He turns around eyes gazed to the ground before he looks up and is blinded by the brightest and most beautiful light, Isak and the universe has ever seen.

He is tangled in layers and layers of coats and scarves, his hands covered in the soft mittens that make Isak’s world combust and on the top of his head is - Isak’s beanie.

The warm red one, sitting on Even’s head making his usually stylish hair all soft and messy underneath.

He’s smiling - not smiling; grinning. So brightly, so excitingly and so lovingly at Isak; he couldn’t keep it in.

It felt like a hand was inside him trying to stick itself inside the empty hole and filling the place, but it didn’t feel right. This was not right. What was this? What was any of this?

Even was dead.

He’s gone.

He is _gone_.

Yet here he is standing in front of Isak carrying two styrofoam cups from KB and smiling like, them standing in the middle of the city during December, despite him lying in a morgue somewhere was absolutely normal?

It was too much, too too much.

And so the tears begin to fall, they coat his cheeks, dripping from his chin, creating little dots on his scarf as they fall upon him.

What starts as a single teardrop, soon becomes a tsunami and Isak can’t stop.

“Baby baby, hey - honey what’s wrong?” Even’s arms, wrap around him quickly and the feeling is so fucking intense, so strong so warm so ridiculously comforting. Isak feels like he is being enveloped in a cloud. He feels like the sun is finally kissing his skin, the stars are back in his sky, and the air - the goddamn air is around him again, filling his lungs; letting him inhale and giving him a chance to finally, just for a goddamn second - actually breathe.

“How are you here” Isak gasps, his arms tightening around Even, as he rests his head against his heart, feeling the beat of it pulse through Isak’s own body and comforting him, warming him, helping him rest and breathe and indulge in this moment.

Even laughs “Baby we came out here remember? Because the Christmas thing with your parents didn’t go well? And you just needed some fresh air, some love” He leans down and presses a gentle kiss against Isak’s hair, but instead of relishing in the moment - Isak’s mind is in turmoil.

Christmas thing with my parents?

What? Is he talking about-

Isak pulls back.

“Are you talking about the Christmas last year, when i had to be in the same room as mum and dad and my mum started having a freak out because a page in the bible they gave her was missing and my dad just walked out and-”

Even frowns. “Um by last year, you mean 3 days ago? Cos yeah. Good try but you can’t make that joke until new years”

What the-

“What?”

Even leans down and picks up the coffee cups, the ones that - wait a second. He knows this. no for real, he _knows_ this.

“I had to put these down to hug you” Even laughs passing Isak the cup.

“I wanted to surprise you so I got you a-”

It’s a fucking pumpkin spice latte.

“Pumpkin spice latte”

Isak stares, Even stares back but he’s oblivious.

“Even what day is this?”

Even frowns in concern, “Isak are you sure you’re feeling okay? You are worrying me.”

He looks around again. The decorations, the sidewalk. The purple van parked near them. It was all familiar...too familiar.

The broken pair of sunglasses near his feet, the warmth of the latte in his hands, the beanie on Even’s head.

The details shouldn’t mean anything - except they do.

This wasn’t a dream.

Isak has lived this before. 

“Baby?”

Isak stammers “just humour me”

Even shakes his head “It’s December the 16th 2017. You’re totally gonna be the type who forgets our anniversary. Just saying” he takes a sip, not knowing that Isak’s mind is exploding in front of him.

He pinches himself again - nothing.

This wasn’t a memory. It was not normal to just fucking RELIVE your memories. It was not a dream, it could possibly be a mental collapse, except - except why and how could he remember everything the exact same.

How can he imagine every little detail, every cloud in the sky, every wrinkle in Even’s nose when he looks at him amusedly like he is now.

Holy fuck.

Even raises his eyebrows and it punches the air out of Isak’s chest.

“Are you alright there Raven?”

Isak shakes his head “What?”

Even rolls his eyes and raises his arms like he’s offended “THATS SO RAVEN? Only the best psychic show ever. Anyway you look like you’re doing the creepy stare thing she does when she’s having a vision.”

Isak laughs. It’s warm and pleasant and it heals his heart a little bit. He missed this.

“So?” Even steps closer, wrapping his free arm around Isak’s waist and leaning in closer, spreading goosebumps along Isak’s neck. “What did you see in the future?”

And then everything shatters.

Isak could feel bile slide up his throat.

“Isak, seriously are you okay?”

He smiles weakly in response.

“Hey” Even’s arm shifted from Isak’s waist to around his shoulders, pulling him closer to Even’s warmth and the body of his world comforting him, loving him, giving him life - while it can.

“Will you do me a favour?” Even asks, smiling down at Isak with the most ignited expression of love Isak has ever seen.

Isak nods, because how the fuck could he not?

“Kiss me”

Isak’s body trembles at the words, they wrap themselves tightly around his throat, leaving him speechless. They creep themselves inside Isak’s head, playing inside him like a mantra.

Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me.

And so fuck it - Isak leans in and brushes a kiss against Even’s cheek, his world blinding him as a flash impairs his vision for a blink of a second.

Even’s grinning back at him, his phone in his hand as he flicks through it and raises it up to Isak’s face, showing him what’s making his smile shine brighter than anything else.

It’s a photo of them - of course it is. He remembers this memory. He remembers all of this.

It’s the photo in the pocket watch. He doesn’t take the photo in, barely has a chance to look at it before it’s back in Evens pocket.

Soon their fingers are intertwined and Even is insisting they go home and chill.

Isak is tired of fighting, and instead lets himself melt into the feel of Even’s hand and the beat of Even’s heart as they walk in the same December streets the second time in their lives.

They sit on a bench in the park, kissing each others cheeks and warming one another with the hot breath on their skin.

“L is for the way you LOOK at me” Even sings softly under his breath, the words finding their way onto Isak’s skin and making him feel warm and lit up by the magic of the entire moment.

“Stop it oh my god” Isak laughs, but everything in his voice says, don’t you dare stop.

“O is for the only one I see” Even squeezes Isak’s hand in his grasp before raising it to his lips and kissing each finger, softly and slowly, his eyes gazing right into Isak’s.

“V is for very extraaaaa ordinary”

Isak’s fingers are still wrapped around the pocket watch, warming the metal with the heat radiating from his heart. The fuzzy warm feeling from his chest consuming him completely.

This was right.

This was his whole life.

This was everything he had in the palm of his hands before it was ripped from him - forever.

“E is for even more than anyone th-”

The thoughts make Isak’s mind hitch and freeze and break, and suddenly, instinctively, impulsively, his thumb lingers against the dial of the pocket watch - pressing it hard, sloppy, clumsily and then before he can even say goodbye; he is being pulled from Even’s grasp.

His body flopping and falling and hitting every single edge of an endless, skyless black world.

Frozen in time for a moment before his world flashes and falls away; - and he is waking up on the floor of his bedroom, in the same shirt and sweats he never changed out of.

His body shivers and convulses under the light of day again, the world slowly coming back to him, his feet on the ground, lifting himself up, his head pounding - beating in time with the faint tick tick tick of the watch still sitting in the palm of his hand.

And there it is - the pocket watch. It is staring back at him and leaving his skin cold and sweaty against his body.

What the fuck just happened.

He opens the watch, his reflection staring back at him through the cracked glass, the spinning no longer occurring, yet an unsettled feeling creeps into his stomach, sitting there like a big black slimy rock he cannot ignore.

His vision strays from the cracked face of the clock, and just when he wonders if he dreamt everything - that there is something seriously wrong with him, his eyes land on the colourful image, sitting inside the lid of the pocket watch, and his body goes cold.

He has looked at this photo a million times. He has it framed somewhere, he has it on his instagram, he has it as his desktop wallpaper. It is and always will be one of his favourite photographs in the world - because it was the first photo he shared with the world, of his and Even’s love.

It was his coming out photo.

He knows it like the back of his hand, every single detail - yet; this is not the same photo.

It’s similar but it is not the same.

Even is smiling, his eyes squinty, his bright grin radiating love and cheer while Isak leans over and presses a kiss on his cheek with his eyes closed.

This is not the same photo.

Isak knows this because seconds before he was staring at an image - of them, wearing the same clothes, drinking the same lattes and standing in the same street in the exact same moment , _except_ \- Even was kissing Isak while he smiled and took the photo.

Isak can’t breath - he feels the walls caving in and the world turning into dust around him. His mind can’t fathom, can’t think, can’t even pretend that this is anything other than what it clearly is.

His body is on overdrive, beating and shivering and goosebumping all over him - making him feel sick.

But none of these are bad feelings.

No.

Isak can’t stop running around thinking what the fuck this means inside his head. He can’t think about anything other than what he just did and how the fuck it was possible and why and -

What the fuck does it matter?

Because it doesn’t.

Isak looks back at the cracked watch, the photo - he carefully and cautiously turns the pocket watch over in his hands and stares at the words Even engraved on the back for them again.

_Isak + Even  
7.10.16. - infinity_

 And he smiles. Maybe he didn’t lose his infinity after all - maybe he created it.

 Because there was two things Isak knew for certain, right this very second.

    1.) He could travel in time.

 He brushes his finger over the small photograph, Even’s eyes, his smile, his laugh - he can still hear it like it was seconds ago - and it was. Same photo, same memory - but different, now it was all slightly, beautifully different. Why? Because

    2) Isak changed time

And if he could change it once, he could change it again.

And this time? He was going to fix it, he was going to fix everything.


	2. Yesterday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the support of a friend Isak tries to use the power of time to save Even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angels!! back again, i hope you enjoy? wait not the right word, just i hope you like this hbbhsabhjas and i love you
> 
> this does get slightly graphic so if you're worried about being negatively surprised pls pls pls look at the warnings in the notes down below. (spoilers ofc) <3

 

_Yesterday love was such an easy game to play._

_Now I need a place to hide away._

_Oh, I believe in yesterday._

[Yesterday, The Beatles](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jo505ZyaCbA)

 

The sound of a knock at the door breaks through Isak’s encased mind of disbelief, hope, and delirium as the door groans at the contact.

Isak smiles as he opens it and sees a concerned Sana on the other side.

“Hey Sanasol, I’m glad you got my message” he grins and she recoils terrified, but tries to muster a soft smile in return because that is just the kind of person Sana is.

Unfortunately she’s also the kind who can’t do it for long.

“Seriously Isak, I think you should reconsider those therapy sessions. Science shows-”

Isak laughs as he leads her to his bed and they sit down. “Sana I told you i’m fine - better than ever actually”

She isn’t convinced.

“I was talking with Eva and Jonas and they said you’re not even thinking about going to uni, that’s your dream! please i think it would be a good idea I-”

Isak rolls his eyes “I told them to stop worrying about me”

“If you really think they will ever stop worrying about you; then maybe I should rethink your intelligence”

He sighs. “Sana please, I really need you right now.”

Her face softens, sadness and worry masking her features as she places her hand on his in comfort. “We all need each other Isak. Elias and the boys have been wanting to come over but Eskild told them it wasn’t the right time.”

Isak shakes his head “Oh no no no, this isn’t about that”

She narrows her eyes. “What else could this be about?”

Isak takes a deep breath, rubbing his palms together in both anxiety and excitement. He’s not an idiot, she’ll think he’s crazy. But he needs to talk to someone, he needs someone to know in case he goes back and fucks shit up more than it already is.

So he breathes and breathes and breathes - feeling her eyes on him, the worry coming off her like a perfume scent.

And finally, he just blurts it out. “I found out Even died getting the pocket watch - you know the one right? The one I gave him for his birthday? Well anyway, he was getting it engraved and boom!  Dead! - not the point -  I ended up breaking it, and, well, it did this creepy thing, I can’t explain it. Anyway, I pressed the dial, and- Zap! I was back in December 2017, drinking pumpkin spice latte, and holding Even’s hand like nothing changed! Except when I came back it did and anyway - long story short - I can travel in time.”

He’s breathing heavily, staring at his friend who has had no change in expression on her face for the entirety of his speech. He was expecting something. Pity, disbelief, sadness, horror - but instead she had that look in her eye like she was processing, thinking, trying to solve a science problem.

She sits up. Her face a mask of intense seriousness. “You invented time travel?”

Isak coughs “Well not exactly, I kinda, well, I accidentally came across it, but yes I can time travel.”

She squints.

There is a silence enveloping them both, giving Isak unbearable stress. Just say something, say something, please say something.

Finally Sana shrugs “i believe you.”

What?

_“What?!”_

She shrugs again in response “Isak, you’re the parallel universe nerd, why are you surprised?”

He is too shook to speak.

But he does anyway.

“It’s _time travel_ Sana”

“So? Did you ever even read those articles I sent you? I wouldn’t be surprised if many people time travel all the time. I doubt you’re special” she smiles. “Although you like to think you are Isabel.”

He’s gaping. “Y-you believe me?”

She rolls her eyes “Yes. Now what do you even need my help with? I mean you can travel in time already it’s not like-” suddenly a thought dawns on her, causing her entire body to shift. Isak can tell she’s only just realised something crucial.

“You’re going to try to stop it” she says, and it’s not a question - it’s a fact. She knows why she’s here why he needs her and she’s shaking her head.

“Isak no”

He rolls his eyes “Like you can talk me out of it”

She shakes her head “Okay fine but just - think about it.”

Isak stands up and tosses his head back in annoyance. “I already have, and anything that could happen to me when i’m trying to save Even? It’s all worth it if I can save him.”

“But, do you even know if you can change anything significant?”

Isak smiles proudly, as he takes the clock from around his neck, opens it and passes it to her.

She stares at the interior and the photo for a moment before looking up. “It’s a cute photo”

He huffs “It’s different! I changed it.”

Sana nods. “That’s cool but I don’t see how that's proof that you can stop someone from dying”

He snatches the pocket watch back in frustration “Well I’ll find out won’t I?”

She gazes at him in concern. “You’re really doing this aren’t you?”

“Yes”

“I can’t stop you?”

“Nope”

She thinks for a minute, and it feels like the longest minute in the world before she looks into Isak’s eyes and sighs. “Okaaaay, how can I help?”

A sense of pride rains down on Isak. “I thought you would never ask”

-

“Okay are you ready?”

Sana rolls her eyes, “I can’t believe I’m helping you with this.”

“All you have to do is just wait for me to return, relax.”

Sana frowns at him, her stare strong and intolerable as she makes him feel every single bit of the shame he deserves for saying those words. “Waiting is the hard part.”

Isak doesn’t say anything but he feels guilty.

“Anyway I’m not convinced this will work anyway.”

“You said you believed me.” Isak mumbles.

Sana shrugs, “Doesn’t mean I really think it will work.”

Isak rolls his eyes and lies down on the bed, the pocket watch held tightly in his hands. “Whatever, you’ll see.”

Sana hums. “You only did this once right? On accident? How do you even know how it works?”

Good point. Isak didn’t know how it worked at first. Why out of all the places, did he end up where he did?

But then something had dawned on him.

“I was thinking about it,” he says, his eyes tracing the patterns on the ceiling.

“I- I saw the photo, looked at it and I just- I remembered that memory. I remembered how we felt and how much I loved him in that very second.” He feels his heart crack at the thought.

“When I pressed the dial, I guess I ended up there because I was thinking about it.”

“Good guess.” He could feel the smile in Sana’s voice.  “So, do you know what to think of?”

He does. He knows exactly what to think of. It’s been forever in his mind, frozen in time. On repeat in his head over and over and over again. Making his world shine with nothing but that last moment he was ever in Even’s arms.

But all he does right now is nod in agreement.

“Okay.” Sana says.

Isak is beginning to feel nervous. “If anything happens, you will look after them for me right?”

“Nothing will happen Isak.”

She says it but they both know neither of them are convinced.

He closes his eyes, “I won’t be long”

“This will be so awkward if it doesn’t work.”

“Shut up Sansol”

“I love you too.”

And then Isak finally realises that if he fucks this up, he might never see her again so, as he gently presses his thumb against the dial, he says softly-

“I do love you, best buddy.”

The words are barely out of his mind before he is ripped from time - Sana, and the room and the ceiling and the bed beneath him being pulled away from him, falling away into nothingness as he tumbles into a skyless dark all over again.

It’s less sickening this time. Less scary. There is an excitement in Isak’s belly. He is coming for Even. He is going to find him and he will save him.

Everything can be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Everything is okay.

Isak will make sure of it.

The clocks fly past him and the world spins and spins and spins.

His heart is flying, ripped from his chest and swimming in time,beating faster as he dives into another pool of nothing, and another and another and another.

Until finally, it all caves in, flashing and disappearing as he falls back, and the darkness evaporates, leaving him covered again - in light.

And he’s back.

 

The first thing he notices is the warmth. God, it’s enveloping him, running down his body like gold liquid, filling up his lungs, his bones, every single edge and corner of his being.

He’s lying on his bed still. That hasn’t changed. His body is covered in one of his favourite hoodies. The kind that are soft and worn and smells like Even. It makes him feel at home.

He’s in the same room as he was a second ago, yet he knows Sana isn’t here anymore.

He knows it’s different, but familiar.

And it’s when an arm wraps around his body, pulls him close and kisses his neck that he knows - it worked.

It fucking worked.

He smiles, lets the body against him touch him, and whisper sweet nothings in the edges of his skin. He grins as he feels Even’s hair tickle his chin, his lips pressing deep in the corner of his jaw. He could fall away, disappear, evaporate into the essence of time and this - this moment would all be worth it. This is all he needs.

“If I could kiss you like this forever I would,” Even sighs as his lips press against his neck and send shivers down his spine.

And then his eyes are snapping open.

Those words are enough to break the spell, shatter the glass and bring him back to reality. Because he knows what he says next. Feels the words press themselves against his mind, wiggle at the base of his throat, haunting him, taunting him, asking him to release them into the world, _I’m going to invent time travel_.

But instead, Isak turns in Even’s arms, faces him and _dear god_ \- he’s beautiful. His eyes, his smile, the way his hair lays out on the pillow, begging for Isak’s fingers to run through it. It’s too much for Isak to handle. It’s too much to process, to see, to want.

And boy does he want.

He wants to kiss every single inch of Even’s body and let their love send them both into a new dimension - a new world where there is no death, no heartbreak - no end.

And that’s just what Isak is going to do.

He looks down at the love of his life - follows the lines of his body, kisses the smile at the corner of his lips, touches his face and memorises his eyes.

 _I will save you_ , Isak thinks, _I will keep you in this world._. He says it to the empty corners of his mind and feels them make a nest inside his body.

“Look, I know I’m hot and everything but will you please stop staring at me?” Even asks cockily, raising his eyebrows, “It’s a little creepy.”

Isak rolls his eyes, and gently whacks Even on his stomach, the muscles underneath making Isak’s heart constrict.

“Can you promise me something?” Isak asks, he pulls himself closer to Even - desperate to feel him, his warmth, his chest, his heart. He needs to be surrounded, enveloped in everything Even, needs to take comfort in the fact that he’s here, really _really_ here.

“Anything,” Even replies, running his fingers through Isak’s hair - one, two, three times and then rest.

It sends Isak’s heart into overkill.

He looks right into Even’s eyes, focuses on the reflection of his own pleading face staring back at him, “Let’s not fall asleep.”

Even laughs in response, “What?”

“I mean...” Isak begins, folding both arms on Even’s chest and resting his head on them both so he can look up at Even through his eyelashes. He _knows_ Even, and he knows when he looks at him like this; there is nothing he can say no to.

“Lets just go get a kebab here in Grünerløkka - and nowhere else, and then, yeah- we can just chill and hang, and then if you have any errands how about we just... I don’t know… do them tomorrow, and only tomorrow, and avoid doing anything until after today?” Isak is rambling, not giving a single shit with how crazy and needy he sounds right now.

He was very subtle.

Even sits up, perplexed, an amused smile on his lips. “What has gotten into you?”

Isak follows his lead and sits up too. “Nothing I just- don’t want to be alone right now.” He shrugs, trying to play off the immense heart wrenching fear in his gut.

Even’s eyes grow soft. It’s warm and kind, and it’s the kind of _heart on fire_ , _butterflies in his chest_ , _world is spinning_ , look that Isak knows is reserved for him and him only.

It’s one of his favourite things in the world.

Also because they are usually associated with Isak getting his way.

Even leans forward, and brushes his fingers across Isak’s cheek, sending a warm blush in the place of his touch. “Isak, what has brought this on? I’m not leaving you.”

Isak has to bite his tongue from yelling at him that _he knows_ he is and he knows that he fucking does so _drop the act_.

Instead he crosses his arms and throws a tantrum. “Just promise will you? For fucks sake- Just _promise._ ”

Even laughs, clearly not taking his pleas seriously, causing Isak to glare. “Okay, okay, I promise.”

Isak raises his eyebrows and pulls himself forward, throwing his legs on either side of Even and leaning close to him, letting him feel his breath on his face as he asks again - stern and definite - “You promise?”

Even’s eyes are droopy and focused on Isak’s lips as he nods, “Yes yes yes, I promise - I have stuff to do but- _fuck it_ I’ll cancel the world for you.” He tugs on Isak’s hip, and pulls him closer, making their lips fall against each other.

Isak smiles proudly into the kiss, knowing with confidence that he had convinced Even.

 _He did it._ Now all he needs to do is stay awake and avoid that fucking street.

Even’s hands pull and tug, and nudge at the material covering Isak’s chest - it isn’t long until Isak helps him make it disappear.

“Magic.” Even whispers, his mouth pressed against Isak’s skin, warming it, sending tingles through his body. _God,_ he missed this. He missed it, he missed it, he missed it.

Somewhere in Isak’s mind there was a voice telling him he was here for a mission, and a mission only… but his mission was to keep Even from going to the dumb clock place so… This counted, right?

Even’s fingers run softly down his bare chest, making the muscles in his stomach tighten and his heart palpitate. This definitely counted.

He could practically hear Sana rolling her eyes in the future.

He kisses the long dotted lines down Even’s neck, pushing his hands under the soft grey hoodie he is wearing, and feeling the hard warmth of his body, responding to every single touch of Isak’s hands.

Even pulls him closer, nipping at the bottom of Isak’s lip and sending chills through his body, Even’s hands running down his back and searching lower lower lower.

If it wasn’t already enough to make Isak feel hot and tight underneath his own skin, Even is soon flipping them, grabbing Isak’s hips and hooking his own legs around his until Isak is under him, gazing up at the hot intensity of Even’s eyes.

It’s slow, and it’s excruciating, watching as Even slowly removes his clothes, showing Isak the sun - the stars - the sky - the ocean - and the air he breathes. Showing him the truth behind love and life and everything in between, in the form of one man.

One gorgeous fucking man.

His eyes take him in, the sheer beauty that is Even Bech Næsheim, filling his mind with nothing but love, pure, heart aching, world turning love that makes him see nothing but sunlight when he smiles at Isak, stars when he is brushing his fingertips across Isak’s stomach, fireworks, when he leans down and paints kisses down Isak’s front. Isak holds his breath, his body squirming with need, with want, with love.

Love that makes him grab onto the sky and reach for a cloud to touch and grasp and hold onto while his body touches yours. - while he reaches down and warms you with the touch of his hand and the brush of his lips in the most private parts you possess.

When Even’s hands tug at Isak’s sweats. Isak’s heart pounds, it beats wildly against his ribcage. He’s sick with the feeling, of Even, of the prospect of losing him, of actually saving him. He wants to keep him. To lock his own heart safe inside the one Even gave him and make sure they never get separated again.

He feels it. The fear.

It’s trampling through his veins, stomping on the moment and tearing his world up again.

Even’s touch calms him.

His eyes calm him.

His hands brushing across his bare legs as they finally remove the last of his clothes, calm him.

But they can’t remove the pain and fear and guilt lurking in Isak’s chest.

He lost this.

This was gone.

Technically it still is.

Even’s lips press against Isaks, soft and gentle and loving, him and Isak move together so perfectly, so instinctively, he can’t imagine a world they aren’t meant to be together in.

They are Isak and Even.

Even and Isak.

He wasn’t meant to leave him.

They were meant to have infinity.

Isak grabs a hold of Even’s neck, pulling him closer, so that their bodies are flush against each other. All he can feel is Even’s skin, Even’s warmth, Even’s touch. Their bodies entwining as one.

He rolls them so he is back on top, causing a moan and a rain of laughter to flow from Even’s lips. The sound sends a wave of heat and want through Isak’s body - his fingers itching to caress the part of Even that sends him into a kind of hunger he could only ever feel for _Even_.

“Isak,” Even moans. It’s the sound that haunts his dreams, leaving him waking up aching with want and loneliness. _God,_ he hasn’t felt like this in months.

He splays his hands across Even’s chest and admires the way they look there - resting upon him - touching him, making Even’s body plead for more under the warmth of his own fingertips. Isak slowly moves them down, takes in the feel of his muscles, the lines of his body, the softness of his skin as they move lower and lower and lower.

Even tosses his head back - his eyes disappearing and another moan filling the room as Isak’s hands grasp and touch.

Isak’s body itches with want as he watches the way Even withers under his touch - his own erection growing,his body hungry with the need to be touched and held and loved by Even.

But just when he is thinking about it, he is being pressed against Even by legs and arms pulling him down down down. And then he is on top - chest to chest, lips to lips, skin to skin - something else to _cough_ something else.

He isn’t just feeling Even, he is surrounded by Even, touching him, kissing him, moving against him, their bodies creating heat and lust and love with every single thrust - with every single turn of their hips, crash of their lips and caress of their fingertips they are being pulled closer and closer to the edge of everything, together.

This is what it felt like to be soulmates.

Even leans down, the heat of his breath brushing against the skin of Isak’s shoulder. His fingers touch and rub and pull and he feels himself falling, deeper and closer and harder. Feels the earth give away and the sky come back and the stars shine brighter in focus. He feels the floor disappear and the world evaporate - leaving nothing but the touch of Even all over him - the heat, the warm electric heat shooting through his body, filling him to his very core - consuming him entirely until he is convulsing, quivering, moaning under the hot, earth shattering touch of his world moving and quivering and moaning against him.

The world freezing in time as their bodies explode like stars in a night sky and they release and shout into the silent universe together.

In this moment - declaring that no matter how hard it tries - how fast it moves - how strong it pulls - there is nothing the world can do to force them apart. With their hearts beating as one and their arms wrapped around each others naked chests, and their bodies entwined - they are unbreakable - untouched - and there is nothing and nobody in the universe that can stop them-

The beat of the clock inside the pocket of his pants on the floor beats loud and clear under Isak’s skin as he closes his eyes and breathes in Evens scent.

-not even time.

-

When light cascades his vision again, Horror hits Isak square in the chest. - He jumps, sitting up so fast he bumps his head on the wall, filling his vision with stars.

There is a sick feeling inside him. A notion stronger and more powerful than anything else in the world.

Deja vu is filling his bones - his world spinning as he feels the emptiness beside him.

Even is not with him.

He had fallen asleep.

He had _fucking_ fallen asleep.

Isak feels like he is going to throw up. He wants the world to stop moving. He had one job, and he got distracted.

He failed.

His skin feels thick and slimy against his bones and his head is swimming. Paranoia floods through his veins. He can’t breathe.

But then he hears it.

Water.

The loud streaming sound of the shower fills his ears and sends calm and warmth through his body.

They made it.

He is okay and they made it.

Isak breathes and breathes and breathes.

It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay,

He did it.

The sound of the water, of the shower, of Even - safe, here with him, alive - sends a thrill of excitement and pride through Isak’s bones.

He leans back, resting his head and his tired worn out mind on the wall behind him, and lets the comfort of the water consume him. Isak and Even, Even and Isak - together forever. They were always always always meant to be together.

The car accident? A mistake.

This was right.

This is how it was supposed to be.

A glitch in the system, a faulty power line, a miscommunication - gone - forgotten - erased. And why? Because time found Isak to help him correct the greatest mistake in history.

Isak and Even? There is not a world where they are not together.

And now they are.

Warmth from the bathroom brushes across Isak’s face, the steam coating him in the smell of heat and shampoo and Even - it is comforting…..at first.

At least it would be if Isak hadn’t forgotten how time feels.

He can’t remember what it’s like for a second to turn into a minute to turn into an hour. Ever since he lost Even, the minutes and the hours and the days merge together into this giant Evenless blob of nothing.

He can’t _feel_ time.

Which is why he didn’t notice until now that Even had been gone for longer than usual.

The steam, is flowing through the door thick and hot and damp against his skin as it heats his cheeks, presses it’s warm sweaty kiss across his body and leaves nothing but a chill in its place.

“Baby?” Isak calls and waits - waits for an answer, for a sign that everything is okay. - he is okay - the shower is just too good to leave - it is warmer in here and if Isak wants him out he’d have to come in and get him. - Anything.

But instead all Isak gets is the silent stomach churning sound of water hitting the tiled floor.

Splat, splat, splat.

A dark mist of uncertainty, fear and disbelief envelopes Isak, holds him in it’s cold clutches and caresses his face - almost in a comfort - as if to show him who he belongs to.

Turning a door handle has never been so excruciatingly slow, painful and traumatising as it was in that moment.

The seconds between Isak opening the door and looking inside are the most cruel, heartbreaking seconds in Isak’s life.

Answering the phone call of Even’s death was the worst nightmare Isak had ever experienced. It left him in a midst of darkness as he roamed around the empty nothing he fell into, and tried to dig his way out but all he is left with is blood under his fingernails and a hole in his middle.

There was nothing, _nothing,_ that could ever compete against the way the continuous buzzing in his hand, the tears on the other side of the phone, and the collapse of his world - made him feel.

Nothing could ever hurt as much. Or as bad - as the first time he lost Even Bech Næsheim.

Or so he thought.

Steam clouds his vision - wrapping around him like a hot blanket of poison filling his lungs, making his life feel like it is closing in on him, and his insides to freeze at the sight of a world he does not know.

Couldn’t know.

A world he doesn’t recognise.

Blood.

It was the blood - the deep red contrast against the white bathroom tiles, seeping out, spreading like it was stretching it’s limbs in the morning sun - that Isak first notices.

It lingers in his mind, holds his stare, and fills his vision like a permanent red filter, he is unable to look at anything without seeing the tormenting remnants of blood scattering his mind.

But not just anyone's blood. Even’s.

The blood; as chilling, and nauseating as it is to look at, Isak can’t seem to tear his eyes away. He refuses to. He’d rather stare at the blood running it’s pattern down through the tile cracks his whole life if it meant he wouldn’t have to look at where it was coming from.

If he could keep his eyes on the blood, the skin crawling, heart aching, mind fucking sight of blood then maybe he could avoid looking at the truth.

At the thing that could kill him.

Kill him for the second time in his entire life.

But of course he looks.

His eyes do the thing - they scatter and they wonder and they follow the trail of blood - following, following, following until they land on him.

Even’s beautiful face, still, quiet, pale. Laying in the middle of the bathroom, damp and wet from the shower, resting in a pool of water and blood and failure.

Isaks failure.

His heart - as withered and broken and torn as it may be from the last few days in this world - began to - not crack, not break, not beat really fast. No

His heart disintegrated inside his chest, it shook and shattered and turned into dust. Leaving him with this hollow shell of a chest.

As he looked down at the crack in Even’s beautiful, ingenious, loving head, Isak felt his body collapse. The water soaks through his sweats immediately, sending spasms of chills through his body, making the fabric against his knees rub and chafe against his skin.

It doesn’t matter.

Nothing mattered.

Because in his arms - the ones he carefully, gently, wrapped around Even’s motionless head, was the boy he loved.

The boy who saved his life multiple times.

And he couldn’t even do it once.

His hair - his beautiful blonde soft hair was stuck to his face, matted in a mixture of blood, water, and tears. The tears Isak wasn’t even aware of shedding.

The room kept growing smaller and smaller around him and Isak can’t pay attention to anything - nothing.

It was all nothing.

He felt like someone had lunged into his chest, pulled out every single bit of him left and threw it on the floor - coated it in blood and water and loss.

Loss loss loss loss loss.

What did he lose?

How does he get it back.

He needs it back.

His body shakes with tears - they sting as they leave his body, coating him in nothing but the broken remains of everything he ever was and ever could be - the world growing more blurry and distant every second.

His heart and soul and body aches as he rocks Even in his arms, his screams hitting every corner and edge of the room and returning back to him. Enveloping him in his own sheer madness of pain, heartache and anger.

The anger filling his bones and caressing his skin.

The anger directed at himself.

It was like a fire, hot intense burning - burning through his skin, through his bones, filling inside him, begging for a chance to rip every single part of him until there is nothing left but the presence of a shadow in the night.

But there is no point because Isak is already shattered from the inside out. He is like a shell, a hollow mess of a human.

And he didn’t know how to be full again.

That was a lie.

Of course he knew.

His hands roam the curves of Even’s soft and emotionless face. He watches them brush over every single inch of his cheeks and lets his tears fall upon them, shower him in the remains of what is left in the world now that he’s gone.

But he’s not.

Isak’s body grows cold as he lets go of Even’s face, lets him rest in his lap as he pulls out the watch in the pocket of his sweats - where he had left it.

He is not gone. He will never be gone.

Some may say Isak was deluded in thinking that he could stop Even from dying when the murderer was the power of time.

Some may say Isak was crazy for trying.

Some may say his life would be better if he just moved on.

But if Isak was being completely honest, if he delved in deep to the bottom of his most troubled, truthful thoughts of self discovery and admitted the darkest notions he has carried with him for a long long time, he would say -

That he doesn’t give a single flying _fuck_ what anyone says. Even isn’t meant to die and if Isak had anything to do with it, he won’t.

He won't, he won’t, he won't.

He has time in his hands for a reason.

And as he presses the button down again, the tears burning his cheeks like the fire raging inside him - Isak knows he has it to fix it.

And he won’t stop until he does just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Even dies while slipping in the shower, there is semi-graphic description of the scene
> 
>  
> 
> IM SORRY and i love you <3 <3 <3 let my know what you think in the comments below and also TWO UPDATES WITHIN 24 HOURS im on fire and also probably body snatched.


	3. Should Have Known Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Isak continues to wrestle with time, doubt begins to flood his mind whether he can bring Even back at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANGELS! this chapter is very emo again (IM SORRY!) but you are getting there i promise. 
> 
> Warnings of just how angsty it gets are in the notes at the end (so spoilers haha) Love you angels and i hope you enjoy <3

_I should have known better_

_Nothing can be changed_

_The past is still the past_

_The bridge to nowhere_  

[Should Have Known Better by Sufjan Stevens](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJJT00wqlOo)

 

“If I could kiss you like this forever, I would” - warmth, arms, kisses, love.

The feeling of being in the world with another - of another's soul touching, embracing, surrounding your own.

The feeling of coming home.

He is back.

Isak’s body is comforted by the one just seconds before he was holding in a pool of blood and water and tears. A nightmare of everything this could turn into, frozen deep in the back of his mind, holding him prisoner.

No showers, no fucking store.

Even needs to be with him at all times and then - only then can they escape this nightmare and be free.

Isak turns in Even’s arms and reaches his hands out cautiously, gently pressing his fingertips to the curves of Even’s face and holding him. He holds Even’s beautiful, soft, face in his hands and takes in the blue of his eyes, the pink across his cheeks, and the pout of his lips.

“I love you” he whispers.

A smile. He is rewarded with a smile and it sends his stomach in knots.

He feels like he is floating, searching the sky for a single piece of clarity, that he can tie around his bones like a ribbon and fall back into Even and never feel anything other than the truth of his heart, his mind, his life - to be nothing but his truth.

To feel, and think, and want, nothing but the skin on his bones, the curves of his feet, and the kisses from his lips. The kisses that dance and caress and move along his body bringing him back to life- over and over and over again.

If only he could do the same.

He jolts, as the ghost of time wraps around his body like a cold icy blanket, smothering him with the memories, the grief, the sadness, the fear, the need, - the immense intolerable need of changing everything, of grabbing time between his hands and stopping it from slipping between his fingers. Making it stay, and tick and tock and wind back back back to the way it’s meant to be.

Back to their infinity.

He pulls back - watches as Even frowns more the further Isak leans back from him, his forehead creasing, his eyes forming slits of blue staring down at him in curiosity, annoyance and worry.

He wiggles out of the bed and stands straight up over Even, watching as he pushes his cheek with the edge of his tongue the way he does when he’s confused. Isak loves it. What doesn’t he love about that boy though?

“We’re going out now” Isak says, holding his hand out for Even to touch, grasp, hold onto - to let him pull him up and take him away, shelter him, protect him, love him.

Take my hand, and never let go.

Even stares at him for a beat, and then another, and then another - as he does, letting the seconds tick away through Isak’s body - but then his hand brushes his own. The fingers linger, tickling his before his hand slips safely inside Isak’s.

They fit against one another perfectly.

Palm to palm, fingers entwined, hands clasped - his body tingling with the feel of Even touching and holding him, by his side, fingers tangled in his hand.

“Where are we going?” Even half asks, half breathes as he lets Isak pull him up and out of bed, his long limbs stretching as they touch the floor. He has a soft amused and curious smile painted across his lips - it’s pretty and gentle and loving. It makes Isak’s world sparkle a little, makes him lose his breath and little more of his mind.

Even always has this effect on him and he loves it.

He tugs on Even’s hand leading him out of his room, away away away from the bed.

No falling asleep.

Twice.

He lost him twice - and both times Isak fell asleep on that bed, both times he had his eyes closed as the world around him exploded and disappeared; leaving him nothing but time in the palm of his hands and the inability to make it useful to either of them.

But not this time.

This time, Isak will be as far from sleeping as he can be, he will be with Even, holding him, loving him, keeping him - safe, alive, loved, infinite.

He will protect him properly this time.

Maybe this was the universe's way of teaching Isak a lesson? Maybe he needs to be less ungrateful, less clueless and undeserving and careless.

Maybe he needs to learn to be for Even what Even is to him.

The world just wants him to be enough.

And he will be.

He will change, he will fix it all. He will be better, and smarter, and kinder, and everything Even needs and deserves and should have.

Dear god, Isak will be everything, he will do everything, he will change everything, as long as he can have Even in his arms again.

As long as this nightmare just _ends_.

“Isak? “ Even asks again, ripping Isak away from his mind, his toxic, angry, disaster of a mind - to remind him that he asked a fucking question.

Isak shakes his head and pulls him behind him, never letting go of his hand as they reach the front door where their shoes lay.

“Kebabs” Isak says, picturing the kebab place, on the opposite side of the ridiculous watch place. Far far far away. As long as Isak makes sure there is nothing Even can trip on he’s safe right?

He’s not safe at home, he’s not safe on the streets alone - but maybe Isak can protect him.

Maybe he can fix it by just, - not leaving him.

Even shrugs “Okay that sounds good, do you mind if we go somewhere near Ullevålsveien? I have something I need to drop of there for uh…..my mum and-”

“No fucking way” Isak shoots back without a single thought - his heart racing.

Even is taken aback, he is looking at Isak in confusion and concern “What? Why?”

How does he tell him?

Oh you know because you were run over by a car there and yeah we don’t want THAT to happen - also no showers.

“The kebabs there are shit” Isak says instead, watching as Even grins and shakes his head.

“You are such a brat, and I adore you” he says before leaning forward and pressing his lips against Isak’s.

Warm, soft, kind, - more, always wanting more.

They let go of each others hand - losing their pull, their physical connection, their tether, to put on shoes.

But once they are on and Isak opens the door, he is reaching out and waving his fingers teasingly, expectantly, asking - yearning for Even’s hand again.

Even raises his beautiful eyebrows and sends chills down Isak’s body; before placing his hand back in Isak’s and entwining his fingers between his own again.

Two puzzle pieces back together

Fitting like they were made for each other.

The door slams shut behind them, their steps thumping and echoing as they walk downstairs and out the building, leaving it behind, walking into the air - the breezy wind hitting their faces and blowing their hair back. Even looks beautiful, free, ethereal like this. Like he is one with the earth, the sky is asking him to kiss it, to hold it in his arms and rock it to sleep and it’s making Isak jealous.

The sun paints shadows of sunlight and magic onto Even’s collarbone, kissing him, touching him, sending him signs of love and light and warmth down every single crevice of his body - wrapping it’s tangles of bright sunshine around his body and not letting him go. Much like Isaks hand.

He looks like the god of light - he looks like the most beautiful man in Oslo - he looks like the love of Isak’s life.

“You’re beautiful” Isak whispers, thinking the words will get lost with the wind, but the smile on Even’s lips tells him otherwise.

His hand is being lifted to said lips and suddenly they are brushing across his skin, the sensation so incredibly ticklish - but the good kind, the kind that makes Isak’s body beg for more, the kind that causes butterflies and a whole fucking garden to burst inside his stomach and fill his arms with so many goosebumps.

His hand is lowered back to their sides, swinging between them happily; their tether beautiful and comforting and strong next to them both.

Even smiles at him and says, loudly and confidently and brightly back - “You can talk green eyes”

He blushes.

When Even calls him something that has anything to do with a part of his body it causes him to blush, and whimper and scream in sheer love at his words. Soft lips, warm hands, beautiful legs, green eyes, golden curls - they were always said with the utmost love and warmth and pride.

It made Isak’s mind and heart and body sing.

And it did it again, just now.

It was singing.

Even like this. - with the fear and the worry and the heartache of everything, of all the loss and pain and suffering and fear of more nudging every corner of his mind; Even was still capable of making his entire body - sing.

And that was the power of Even.

They walk down the streets, they smile and they swing their conjoined hands between them and kiss each others cheeks and it’s - good - great - _right._

It’s so so so right.

How and why would the world take this away? Why would it take this away _twice_.

Isak - the master of science

Isak - the master of life

Isak - the master of everything, could not for the life of him - find a reason for this.

Sure he played with reasons, maybe he was meant to earn Even but in reality he could not think of a world where he could ever be enough for him.

But somehow he could make Even laugh and smile and sing back and you know what?

Maybe that’s why they belonged together.

And they did.

So why was time keeping them apart, but also giving itself over to Isak?

What was it playing at?

“You’re being awfully quiet today” Even’s voice breaks Isak out of his thoughts and he looks up to see the boy watching him carefully - eyeing him like he owns the secrets of the world.

Little does he know what Isak really does have, sitting inside his pocket.

Little does he know the amount of power he has.

Or does he?

Isak shakes his head “I’m just - fighting with my mind a lot today, I’m sorry”

Even’s free hand reaches out to weave through his hair - one, two, three times before sitting there for a couple beats and then away. “Don’t be sorry baby. I just - I’m here, you can tell me anything” his eyes gaze intently in Isak’s and they push inside him so much love, and worry, and need to be there to grasp every single horrible thought and emotion inside him and carry it on his own shoulders.

But not only would Isak not let him - he couldn’t. Wouldn’t - just can’t.

He was alone in this and that was okay - because if he can fix it, he won’t be alone for long.

Suddenly Even is pulling him towards him, and Isak can’t think, he’s letting himself be pulled into a corner street, his heart unable to fight the arms of Even as his lips touch his own.

“Even…”

“Just a quick detour” he grins as he presses Isak up against the wall of some alleyway and kisses him softly.

Isak’s mind is niggling at him, trying to wave some kind of warning - a sign - a maybe this isn’t a good idea.

But he lets Even kiss him for a little bit.

Just a little bit.

There is nothing here that can hurt them, they are just holding hands, sending soft closed mouth kisses to each others lips as they giggle.

It’s okay.

But as Even’s hand wanders gently over his face, grasping the side of his head, his fingers curling in his hair and his lips teasingly nibble at his neck, Isak hears a rustle in the shadows.

It suddenly feels dark and cold yet the sun is still out.

There is a chill up his spine and he feels something inside him nudge nudge nudge in his gut.

Leave.

He jumps, grabs ahold of Even’s hand and pushes him away, their tether still there - hands not separated while their bodies are.

“Something doesn’t feel right” he says and Even’s eyes narrow in concern as he nods.

“Let's go then”

Relief.

A deep flood of relief fills Isak’s bones and he greedily pulls Even with him as they step away from the alleyway and into the street.

The safe, busy, sunlit street.

Even’s hand swings between them one more time. “I love this” he says.

Isak is warm and safe and overreacting but he nods and says back “I love y-”

A scream.

Even’s body flinches and Isak’s world spins causing bile to form inside his throat as fear strikes him deep in every corner of his mind.

Even bolts and it causes Isak a moment - a too long moment to realise he is heading towards a woman and a man arguing - a child standing next to them crying as the woman's hands are twisted in the man's grasp as she screams.

Isak jumps and tightens his hold on Even’s hand.

“Even no”

But it’s too late.

He moves too quick, too fast as his hand slides slowly out of Isak’s grip - his fingertips being the last thing he touches before Isak is watching him run over to the scene.

“EVEEEN” Isak screams his heart bouncing in the walls of his chest, his mind shooting bolts of lightning as the world strikes him with thunder over and over again.

He runs after him, he runs and he bolts and he sprints but still Even is too far ahead - too close.

It’s horror.

Imagine knowing what was going to happen the second before it happens.

Go on.

Imagine.

What would it be like to know that your life, your world, your stars, your sun, - would be obliterated in front of you - imagine knowing that and not being able to stop it.

It is too fast.

Too too fast, Isak can’t breathe.

“MAKE IT STOP” he screams but no one can hear him, it is like time is racing fast - so fast he is no longer able to move in it, to speak, to be heard, he is frozen.

Frozen as he watches Even try to pull the child and woman away from their own monster.

Frozen as he watches the man yell and shove and pull

Frozen as he watches the knife reflect in the sun, a bright sparkly light that radiates the darkness they become trapped in.

It’s not until Even is falling and the world is screaming that Isak can move again.

And this time he _can_ move fast.

No

No no no no NO

Screaming, screaming, screaming.

He doesn’t need to check to know it’s coming from himself.

The man is gone but Isak doesn’t care.

He doesn’t care.

His world is bleeding, his world can’t breathe, his world is fading.

He’s on the ground he doesn’t know how he got there, his hands are already covered in blood as he holds Even in his arms, keeps his face between his hands as tears fall from his eyes.

He is shaking, he can’t - he can’t - he can’t.

Not again. Not again.

There is a siren, there is a crowd, there are people trying to help but all Isak can mutter is “not again, not again”

Even whimpers in his arms and Isak pulls him closer, lunges at him, holds him as near his body as possible.

 

“Even please, stay with me please please please, we can get through this one we can, not again not again not again”

Even’s eyes close, a moan lodged in his throat as he says, so quietly so painful so broken Isak would have missed it if his entire focus wasn’t wrapped tightly around him.

“Isak”

No no no no no

Tears wrack his body as he rocks Even “Please no no no”

“You have to let me go”

The words are broken, they are strangled, they are raspy, and they break every single part of Isak left, as he shakes his head profusely.

His heart stops and his eyes darken as he blinks the flooding tears away, “That’s not going to fucking happen.”

He lets one side of Even go as he lunges for his pocket and pulls the pocket watch out again, his world flickering as the ambulances arrive, but it’s too late.

He already knows it’s too late.

Even who has always been warm is already growing cold in his arms.

He shakes his head again, the tears falling, and breaking and consuming him. “No, not on my fucking watch” he screams as he stabs the dial violently with his thumb and lets the world throw him back into the timeless dark.

 

+

 

“If I could kiss you like this forever, I would” Isak jumps - his body cold despite the warmth.

He unwraps himself - he pulls away - he retrieves inside him - seeks shelter in the wreckage living inside his mind.

“Isak? Is something wrong?” concern, love, worry inside his voice. Isak can’t look at him.

He

Can’t

Look

At

Him,

He feels sick.

He feels really really sick. All he can see is the blood, - the blood the blood the blood. His pale face, his lips whispering those words.

“Let me go”

He can’t. How could he ever, ever, EVER ask him that?

How dare he ask him that?

How dare he keep leaving him - making him hurt and suffer and watch him bleed and fade away into nothingness. Making him relive every loss, every heartache, every bolt of pain until he is nothing as well.

How could he?

An arm tries to wrap around him and Isak pulls further away, sits upright and crawls to the end of the bed.

“Isak? Are you-” a confused laugh “did i do something?”

Isak’s eyes grab ahold of Even’s and suddenly he can’t take it anymore - he screams.

And he screams and he screams.

It feels amazing, like a million bolts of lightning being released from his veins and into the world around him. Letting go.

“Isak, baby please what’s wrong?”

The question somehow finds its way to his ears over the screaming and he freezes.

“What’s wrong?” he echoes back causing Even to sigh in relief.

“Yeah baby, talk to me”

Isak is angry, he is so fucking angry he could light the world on fire. The pain the suffering the grief the goddamn exhaustion, is too much for Isak to handle - too much to process and understand and work through and now all it has become is anger.

“You want me to talk to you?” he asks, an undertone of ice in his voice.

Even shrugs and chuckles lightly “How could you tell?” Sure it’s cute but Isak is too busy seething in rage to focus on that fact right now.

Isak rolls his eyes, his body shaking as he pushes himself off the bed and walks to one side of the room and back again before spinning around to finally look at him.

_Even._

His Even.

And when he looks at the two deep pools of blue in his eyes, all he can see are them closing over and over again - and the fire inside him burns higher and hotter than before, the flames licking his inside and heating him from within.

“You really want me to talk to you about how completely and irrationally STUPID you are?” he shouts - the world tipping on its axis as Evens brows furrow and Isak’s body tingles with the sick satisfaction of releasing the painful anger raging inside his mind.

“Wait, what?” Even exclaims, jumping off the bed himself.

Instead of being defensive or upset or angry Even is nothing but confused and concerned. Once again Even is the pure sunlight who stays calm and loving no matter what Isak does or fails to do - most days it makes Isak thank every single star in the galaxy for having someone as bright and heartachingly beautiful as Even in his life - but right now it just makes him feel sick. Sick with anger.

He steps around the bed, closer to Even but still 6 feet away from him, his eyes full of an icy dark green.

“You have no idea” his voice shakes as his heart stumbles and falls around his chest clumsily - no longer attached. “You have no idea what it’s like watching you - watching you just-”

Tears find themselves sitting prettily in his eyes, tripping over themselves to fall out and down Isak’s cheeks as he tries to find his way through the wildfire in his body.

“AND YOU ARE SO STUPID EVEN” the scream is throaty and painful and he’s apparent of the way he is shaking as the tears fall and fall and fall.

“You’re just so _stupid._ You don’t think and you don’t care about what your actions mean and do for the people - you leave behind”

Arms, wrapped around him, soothing and calming and this time Isak doesn’t pull away. He doesn’t bother. He just lets the poison inside him spread and leave his body in a shaking mess of tears and shattered glass.

“I can’t keep seeing it, I can’t keep seeing it” he mutters in Even’s warm shoulder, the boy’s breath warming his skin as his finger trace comforting circles on his back.

“You keep dying” he whispers into the open air and lets the words finally touch Even’s ears.

“Three times, I can’t keep seeing it.”

Even’s heart beats enough for the both of them and it warms his skin as Even runs his fingers through his hair - once, twice, three times and then resting gently against the crown of his head.

“It’s okay baby, it’s okay it’s just a dream.”

Isak stills in his grasp and shakes his head profusely as the tears continue to wrack his body “No Even NO it’s not a dream it’s not”

Even frowns “Isak…”

“No” he pushes away, anger not entirely empty in his veins. Some of it is still stuck there between his bones.

“You don’t understand, this has happened before - three times we have been in this same moment this same day, this same time, and sure we change things up - we do different things but it ends the exact same Even, the exact fucking same way! You do something dumb and you leave me” Isak is spinning, and falling and grasping for something to hold onto but he comes up empty as Even eyes him with confusion and concern - the look he has been gifting Isak a lot lately.

“Isak, please” his hand reaches out and then there it is - he holds onto Isak’s and their fingers touch and entwine and their palms mush together and it is like they are whole again - like Isak can breathe again.

“I’m not going to leave you, okay?”

“Yes you will” it comes out as the most broken quiet whimper of a child but Isak doesn’t care. He lost his dignity a long time ago.

Even’s hands grasp Isak’s face gently, his eyes looking deep and longingly and lovingly into Isak’s as he says with the utmost reassurance “I’m not going anywhere.”

Isak wants to believe him he does. But he’s been promised this before.

And then he ends up on the floor.

He shakes his head, he can’t think about it.

“Listen, I promise today we will stay in, I’ll be extra careful - we can watch something, order in - it’ll be fine. You’ll see. I will be fine” he presses a deep kiss onto Isak’s forehead, sending warmth tingling down his body, as he lets himself melt fully into Even, their hands still clasped together.

“Don’t move either” Isak mutters.

Even nods and smiles “That sounds amazing”

Isak glares at him.

Even raises his eyebrows and raises his free hand in surrender “Sorry sorry, I promise”

Isak smiles, but there is still a pain inside him unable to believe it, to trust it and he hates that he has that feeling now.

Hates that he doubts that he can’t save Even from this hell.

“No showers either” he states causing a chuckle out of Even.

“Yes sir.”

“I mean it”

Even’s arm wraps around him again as he lifts his hand and presses it against his lips. “So do I. I love you more than anything else in the world. And I won’t leave you. Everything will be okay”

Isak wishes he wouldn’t promise him that.

Because Isak lied. He shouted and cried and screamed at Even like it was his fault - like he left him behind. But he knew - of course he knew that Even didn’t do anything wrong, hasn’t done anything wrong, and probably will never get the chance to. Because it wasn’t Even’s fault.

Deep inside him in the wrath of his own despair and guilt and dark haunting pain that he refuses to touch - Isak knew - the fault was his all along.

He was the reason Even kept dying.

 

+

 

Isak’s arms hold the sun, and the sun presses his head against the beat of Isak’s heart and helps bring it back alive in his chest. The calming thum thum thum quickens at the weight of Even against him as they watch a documentary on stars.

“Magic” Even whispers and the word is something that should cause something inside Isak to light up and glow and warm him from inside out - but instead he just felt numb. Tingly. Broken. Weird.

The moment was new but was it really?

It felt like he was getting extra time with the brightest thing in his life, but also like he was continuously running in circles. He just wants to free them from this cycle.

He wants to spend a new day with the love of his life.

He wants to talk about new things. Learn new things. Move forward.

He wants to find out what will happen when he asks Even to marry him, the look on his face when they have their first child together, when they watch their baby grow and love and fall apart and get put back together and then, how it would feel to just hold Even’s hand and spend every single second of the rest of their life together.

Moving

Growing

Loving

In time.

But instead he felt stuck. He doesn’t want to be stuck anymore.

He kisses the gentle skin of Even’s neck, lets his breath warm him, watches as he shivers in Isak’s arms and the world grows colourful around them.

“I’m scared I will lose you again” he says honestly - truthfully and Even leans back, looks up at Isak with the biggest blue eyes full of worry and love and beauty he has ever seen. His voice as soft as the feeling of being tucked into bed at night as a child, warm and safe, unaware of the poison waiting for him in the future.

“You won’t lose me this time”

And the words comfort Isak. They do. They sneak up his spine, jab at his heart, mind, and entire being and hold him. They rock him and whisper soothing noises in his ear. They make him feel safe and loved. Isak isn’t a fool, he knows Even is just humouring him. He knows he doesn’t really believe Isak. But he does _love_ him. And it was the kind of love that gave him the ability to at least pretend to believe Isak when he was talking about death and time travel, because all he wants is to love him and hold him and help him carry the world that he rests on his shoulders.

Yet, despite knowing this - there is a shadow creeping along the edges of Isak’s mind. And he calls it a shadow because it is a thought he no longer wants to have. It niggles at him, nudges with its cold dark fingers begging for him to give in to the feeling it wants to gift him. But the consequences are too painful, too real and so Isak tries to ignore it. But still, it’s there in his mind as he watches the stars on his computer screen light up Even’s face.

_Maybe he had past the test_

Maybe telling Even and letting him in was the key to everything, maybe this was different.

Boom.

What a way to hurt.

To think like that. To hope. To truly believe you could and the worst part is Isak didn’t even know what he believed anymore. One minute he is so sure he will win, and then the next this horrible cruel doubt fixes it’s teeth around his neck and makes him bleed sorrow. Makes him feel like a sad pathetic boy trapped in the past, just to relive a moment he has already lived just to be with a boy - even if it meant he had to watch him die over and over again.

His mind is chaos, his world is broken, and time? Time seemed to be both on his side and also out to destroy him.

What does a boy do, to conjure up the courage to either move on, or continue to fight?

Even suddenly sits up and turns in Isak’s arms to smile, - and no it wasn’t a smile that you would give to anyone you saw down the street. It’s not the smile you give someone who makes you laugh, someone you care about, someone you want to smile back.

no , it was the smile that could light up a million cities, a smile that could heal your pain, bring you warmth and shelter and love, a smile that was reserved for you - because for some reason you are the one the person attached to this magical smile, thinks is worthy of it.

And it’s the kind of smile that keeps you up all night.

The kind of smile that imbeds itself deeply inside you heart, unable to ever float away from the clutches of your body.

The kind of smile that causes Isak to refuse to give up.

Because this?

This is what he is fighting for.

Just as Isak begins to smile back, the doorbell rings echoing through the house like a prayer. It causes Even to jump and rub his hands together in excitement. “Food is heeeeeeere” he half says half sings and it’s a sound that nestles itself deep inside Isak’s belly. It sprinkles so much tingly, mushy I'm in love feelings Isak can’t handle it.

His mind is always jumping from one thing to another and by this time he feels like he is getting a headache, _although_ that might just be because the doorbell was still going off.

Even begins to make a move.

“Hey hey hey” Isak cuts off, moving his hand to stop him from even thinking about it for one more second.

Isak gets up and begins walking towards the door, “You promised remember?” he says while clicking his tongue in faux disapproval.

Even rolls his eyes with a smile, “Yeah yeah whatever, just get me my burger asap”

Isak rolls his eyes back at him before, walking out of the bedroom to the front door.

He pays the delivery guy and walks back, and Isak won’t like - he felt the tightness in his chest, the horror in his mind, the feeling of his world being swept from out of his feet again, as he walked back in to find -

Even waiting patiently on the bed where he left him.

Isak exhaled in relief and Even raised his eyebrows expectantly at him.

“My buuurger?”

Isak throws one of the bags at him and Even - the show off, catches it with one hand. He winks at Isak, causing his stomach to flip and his heart to get stuck in his throat.

“There you are my highness” he tries to say it with sarcasm but his body is so full with relief and love and warmth, it comes out more lovingly than he planned.

Even’s smile is worth it though.

They sit like that, legs crossed, face to face, on the bed with their burgers in their hands, giggling and staring at each other like they are the only two people in the entire universe. And you know what? Maybe they are.

Isak unwraps the burger in his hand and bites into his as he watches Even do the same. And the taste touches his lips and explodes in his mouth with flavours of tomato, onion lettuce, mayo chicken-

Wait a second.

Isak sits up, throwing the burger on the bed.

They didn’t order chicken.

His mind is running at a unbearably fast pace, it’s like time has slowed but Isak is nothing but a heart racing mind numbing mess of speed as he looks down at the burger bags and sees written down in blue ink - _chicken & chicken w egg. _

WAIT

Isak looks up horror hitting him in every single nerve in his body as Even’s face grows red, watched his hand clutch at his throat as the burger falls to the ground and he starts gasping for air, his body weakening the more he tries to fight - the more he tries to breathe - the quicker he falls and falls and falls into darkness.

Isak can’t breathe in return.

It’s like his body shut down along with Even’s and all he can see is him being killed - by eggs.

_Since when have you been allergic to eggs?_

_Since I nearly died from eating scrambled ones when I was a kid_

Isak’s fingers are numb as he tries to call 911 despite knowing it was too late, despite knowing this wasn’t something that was meant to be undone.

Their order wasn’t mixed up by coincidence.

This happened for a reason.

His world is cold and dark and poison as he watches Even take his last breath again.

Did it get easier? The more he watched it? No

It just felt more and more numb every time.

And that wasn’t necessarily easier.

It was just nothing.

Nothing at all.

Every time Even died, another piece of Isak did too.

It was at this point in time that Isak should probably give up.

It’s at this point that he should break and burn and go back to the life that time must want him to have.

This is when he is supposed to turn his back, say goodbye, forgive himself for not being able to do the impossible, realise death happens, and just for the life of him - move on.

But the problem with this concept is, Isak still has a pocket watch that can take him back in time, sitting in his pocket, a boy still dead, and a heart still broken and not ready to live a life without the only person who gives him a reason to.

So?

No thanks.

He does not care if it will take him infinity - Isak will not stop until this has all gone away.

He was foolish before - the point isn’t if he saves Even, the point is - he doesn’t give up on him.

The point is their infinity.

Isak’s hand wraps around the watch again as his finger sits on the dial.

This time, he’s not even crying.

This time he’s not even expecting anything.

This time he just is.

And he is going to be lost in time until he finds an answer, a life, a reason.

But until then.

Isak’s finger hits the dial and the world is sucked in all around him as he is thrown back into the same empty sky.

 _Until then_ , he will keep being a slave to time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Even is stabbed by a violent man on the street, and also dies from an allergic reaction to eggs.
> 
> AHHHHHH okay firstly, if you've been reading this chapter by chapter i'm in awe of you. thank you so much and im so sorry for putting you through all this but i promise there will be a tone shift next chapter, we've gotten through the worst of it (sorta) my loves <3 <3 <3 i love you and im seriously SO excited to show you the next chapters now ahhhhhhhhhh  
> oh and secondly, you may notice Even's characterisation is....not always canon. my lips are sealed.


	4. Waiting Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak comes to a heartbreaking decision and then everything changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANGELS!! hello <3 i'm both extra nervous and extra excited but mostly nervous about this one sajjdasahbsjhbds i really hope you like it. this one isn't very graphic at all but still has some death so warnings down below if you need it <3 
> 
> good luck <3

_Baby I'm thinking it over_

_What if the way we started made it something cursed from the start_

_What if it only gets colder_

_Would you still wrap me up and tell me that you think this was smart_

[Waiting Game, Banks](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaI5JCxOCdw)

**_April 16th 2018 - #4_ **

Arms, warmth, love. Even tells Isak he is his world and Isak says he is back but Even can sense a dark coldness in his voice that hasn’t been there before. The world stays the same. The sky is blue, the air is cool, and the shadows, the sun makes on the walls are the same monstrous beauty as before.

The light in Even’s eyes is the same.

The warmth in his embrace is the same.

The words, the sounds, the flicker of his eyelids are all the same.

Everything is the same.

And it’s fine.

Everything is fine until Even goes to get the mail and is stung by a swarm of bees hiding in the mail station in the apartment building.

Thinking about it feels like a joke.

Like a punchline to the sitcom time seems to be playing in. But still, Isak follows the sound, he lets it consume him and shake him to his core, he cries - but not like before.

He cries because it’s the only thing he knows to do now.  

Darkness, heartache and the feeling of someone sucking the life out of Isak’s being wraps its arms around his core.

He presses the dial the second he begins to hear the screams.

 

**_April 16th 2018 - #7_ **

Isak’s trying to be better this time. He’s _trying_ again. He’s holding, and kissing and smiling at Even like he knows everything is okay, like he believes everything is okay, like they have every single second of the world in their hands.

And maybe in a way they do.

Just not in the way Even thinks.

This time Isak suggests they watch some random drama on tv, and when a baby comes on screen it prompts a discussion about their future.

The same discussion they’ve had before, on this exact same day, in this exact same moment.

It warms him but it doesn’t comfort him.

It just sticks in his head, carves itself into the foreground of his mind as he waits again, for his world to die.

This time it happens in Even’s sleep.

As morbid, and horrible, and psychotic as it is to think - Isak prefers this one.

He’s in his arms, he’s warm and when his breathing shallows and his heart slows, it does so in the comfort of Isak’s arms and not once does Even show any signs of suffering.

It still feels like someone is scraping his insides out with a spoon, but at least Even isn’t hurting.

At least that part is all him.

He leans forward and presses one last warm kiss against his lips before he’s being pulled by the darkness again.

 

**April 16th 2018 - #13**

He’s withering, he can feel it. The essence of his being, the thinness of his skin against his bones, the pain in his head, the distortion of the world around him.

He’s beginning to feel time, feeding off of his entire body - taking taking taking every part of him it can touch. Ripping pieces like they belong to them.

And maybe he does.

Maybe time does own him now.

This time it’s the same.

He lets Even go.

He falls asleep.

His body broken and falling apart at the seams, he lets the world take him as it takes Even.

He fails the same way and it’s the first time it happens.

The first time a recycle death has happened.

But Isak does not feel sad, he just feels numb.

He feels lost.

But how could he not?

He rewinds time and throws himself back into the arms of the boy he keeps killing.

 

**April 16th 2018 - #26**

“I'm going to invent time travel”

He says the words, and they leave his body as if he doesn’t even own them anymore. They sound small and weak - when once they were spoken with love and humour and charm.

They sound afraid, sad, whiny.

He sounds like a boy speaking the truth. And that is who he is right now.

But Even doesn’t know that. He tightens his grip around Isak’s waist and sends a chill down his body that leaves him with the kind of comfort only the person who has your heart in the palm of their hand, can give you.

He kisses, and smiles and lights up the world, but still all Isak can see is dark.

All he can see are the seconds they have left until Even is, hit, stabbed, poisoned, stung, bitten - or any single thing the universe wants to throw at them this time.

Laughing at them like this was their favourite game to play.

Isak lets himself be held by Even. he lets the poison in his head suffocate him, but he doesn’t let it kill him.

He just lets the pain corrupt his system for a little bit - tired of fighting the depression taking over.

Tired of ignoring the pain coursing through him.

Every day feels like a new shoot of agony in his veins.

But when Even slips down the stairs, Isak is too weak to not press the dial once again.

 

**April 16th 2018 - #38**

 For the first time, in a while - today is a good day. Isak arrives in Even’s arms, smiling and throwing his head back to snuggle closer and closer and closer. He giggles when Even blows a raspberry on his neck, and rubs his nose against Even’s when he tells Isak he loves him.

Today Isak won’t think about it.

Today he won’t care.

Today he will let himself just be with the man he loves.

And so he does.

They go out to dinner and they survive.

They go see a dumb musical Even loves even though they had seen it twice already - they go again because Isak wants to remind himself what it is like to watch Even light up when he watches people perform. Wants to hear the quiet deep mumble of Even singing along to his favourite songs. Wants to hold his hand, kiss his lips, drink champagne and spend every second with the man of his life.

And they survive.

They go back home, they crawl under the covers, they kiss every single edge, corner and inch of each others bodies and they fall into the feeling of being with one another - of touching, caressing, kissing and loving like it was the last time.

And they survive.

Today he doesn’t think about the consequences, doesn’t constantly look at every crack in the ground, every wobbly step they walk on, every single piece of food they eat - this time he just lives.

He lives with his world, and for once, time seems to let him.

And surprisingly - when Even dies from trying to make tea in the middle of the night, all he can hear is the sound of Even saying in his head “Wow I was killed by tea, and it wasn’t even made by you.”

When he travels through time again, he can’t help but do it with a smile on his face, and warmth flooding through his body.

Because at least this time, he wasn’t just trying to stop the love of his life from dying - this time he was actually being with the love of his life.

And it didn’t make him cry once.

 

**April 16th 2018 - #50**

_Even._

Even Even Even. His laughter is the kind of sound you would use to describe the warmth of the sun on your bare skin in the morning.

The blue in his eyes is the kind of colour made from the feeling you get when you dream of kissing the stars in the night sky, but wake up to an ocean of blue.

His skin? It’s the softest feeling of being wrapped in a field of cotton, the world blaring in vivid colour around them as Isak dives deep into the feeling of Even.

But it’s his smile, the touch of his lips against his, the sound of his voice telling him he’s a dork, the smell of his cooking - it’s all the little things that he’s going to miss the most.

The raise of his brows when Isak is being a smartass.

The gentle touch of his hand upon Isak’s head when he’s comforting him with the notion - that he’s here, in this moment, in this lifetime. - I’m here.

The weight of his feet against the floorboards, the sound of him being in the building, in the room, in the universe.

The reassurance that he’s here.

The feeling of being loved.

Isak’s fingers wove around tighter against the pocket watch grasped in his hands, he watches as his knuckles turn white and his head begins to spin.

The smell of Even’s shampoo.

The sound of his laugh.

The way his eyes crinkle up when he’s smiling - smiling at Isak like he was worth smiling at.

The feelings, the sounds, the smells, the images - flash through Isak’s mind like a tsunami of love, torture and regret.

Isak bites his lip, letting the taste of blood fill his mouth - the salty metallic taste filling his mind as he tries to breathe.

_Even._

The first boy he ever kissed, the first boyfriend he ever had, the first love he has ever felt and explored and held in every single fibre of his being for as long as he could.

The first boy he has ever had to say goodbye to.

Isak looks up into the mirror, in their small fragile bathroom and he stares at his reflection.

It’s been longer than a day, longer than a week, for all Isak knows it might have even been more than a month. But he doesn’t know. He can’t remember, he can’t feel it. Time has blended into nothing but a series of deaths, and tears, and pain. Immense heart aching, earth shattering pain, that has done nothing more than made Isak - numb.

And broken.

And nothing.

He can see that now. As he looks into the mirror and sees a boy as identical as the boy he knew a long time ago. A lifetime ago, when everything was how it was always meant to be.

All he can see between the lines of a boy lost in time; is the darkness and the sharp deep edge of someone without a heart, peeping through inside his eyes.

Eyes that had always been a deep forest green, are now a pool of green darkness staring back at him.

Isak can hear the sounds of Even sleeping in the other room. Isak doesn’t let himself sleep anymore. There is no point to. Watching the person you love die, wakes a person up - no matter how many times you’ve rewatched the movie - he can still feel the horror strike him in the heart, and flood through his veins.

It fucking hurts, is another way to put it.

But today is different.

Isak steps away from the mirror and stands in the doorway to the bedroom. He lets himself look at the figure of the boy he loves sleep, his heart beating, his breaths comforting every nerve in the body - as he lies there safe.

And alive, for now.

Isak feels like his body is going to break.

He feels like the sky is going to crush him and the stars will be chased from the sky, to doom them into an eternal darkness.

He feels like he won’t be able to stand and breathe and touch and love again.

He feels like he is about to say goodbye to his entire world.

And that’s because he is.

It’s taken watching, and feeling, and holding Even’s death inside him for what feels like a soul crushing eternity - for him to realise, that the pocket watch didn’t give him this gateway into time, to save Even.

It took him losing Even repeatedly to realise that wasn’t the mistake the universe wants him to undo.

Because how can he undo something the universe wanted?

He steps into the bedroom, closer to the sleeping frame of his sun, quietly tiptoeing around the corners of the bed.

He breathes in the feeling of being in the same room with the person he feels deep inside his bones - is his soulmate.

He lets himself pretend for another minute, that maybe they are.

But he knows the truth.

There was no mistake when Even was ripped away from Isak’s entire world. The universe wasn’t making a mistake, it was _correcting_ one.

The mistake wasn’t losing Even, it was the fact that they found each other in the first place.

Isak crawls onto the bed and lies down quietly next to Even.

He gazes down at his beautiful face, quiet, sleeping, unaware.

It leaves Isak with an unnerving, nauseous feeling in his stomach.

Time.

What a wondrous thing?

What a magical, miraculous wonder it was that Isak was gifted with more.

But he was using it for all the wrong reasons.

The universe didn’t want to help him bring them back together. It wanted to give him a chance to right the wrong that started all of this.

The reason he is in hell.

The reason Even is stuck in a cycle of endless, cruel deaths, unable to move forward, to live and love and create. Unable to do all the things he always dreamed of.

And why not?

Because they met.

Because somehow the universe fucked up.

Isak traces Even’s eyelids softly with the pads of his fingertips, his breath shallow and quiet as he gazes at him. As he lets the feeling of lost and love and grief, inflict upon him the sheer weight of emptiness.

And now he needs to fix it for real.

He was never meant to be in Even’s life, and it’s because of Isak that he keeps dying.

Isak’s hand moves to Even’s head, threading his fingers in the mountain of soft hair he could memorise in his sleep.

It’s because of Isak, that he feels like this. Broken, trapped in time and space, and empty.

All he needs to do is change one day.

One day other than this one, and it’ll all go away. Everything will be different.

They will be free.

He watches as Even mutters something inconherable in his sleep and shifts under Isak’s fingertips as his eyes begin to flutter open.

Live one single day differently, and every moment -

Even smiles up at Isak as the sunlight lights up his entire face.

  * Every smile



Isak lets Even pull him down, so their lips meet in a soft gentle kiss that spreads warmth through his body.

  * Every kiss



Even’s hand raises up up up until it reaches Isak’s hair - one - two - three and still.

  * Every touch



Isak lets himself full onto Even, and to be wrapped in his arms, his heart against his chest, listening to every beat of his heart - for one last time.

  * All of it will disappear



And not a single second of his memories with Even will be in his head, in the corners of his mind - ever again.

Everything will be gone.

The love.

The pain.

The learning.

And the yearning.

the touching.

And the saving.

It will be banished from their world - but maybe, just maybe, Even will survive the new one.

Maybe just maybe Isak will stop being in love with a ghost.

And maybe they will be free from time -

And each other.

Isak looks up at the person he thought he was destined to be with. He looks up at the boy who holds his heart, who makes him believe in love, and forever and infinity.

At the boy who created a world for him that was full of love, light and warmth when all he knew before that, was the feeling of cold and darkness and the broken shadow of loneliness.

Even changed everything, and now Isak is about to change everything back.

“Promise me something?” Isak whispers into Even’s neck, his body stiff and rigid in the arms of the person who knows how to make his body melt by a single touch.

“Anything” Even breathes back, the word painting a soft warm draft across his face as it touches him.

Isak swallows, and it’s loud and it’s awkward and obvious and he can tell Even senses it - senses _something_. But he hopes he won’t ask.

And Even must realise this when he studies Isak’s face with those eyes of his. Those eyes that know and see and detect everything going on with Isak.

But he says nothing because it’s Isak and it’s Even and if Isak doesn’t want him to - then Even won’t

And so he doesn't.

Isak goes back to listening to the beat of Even’s heart as he whispers into Even’s embrace -

“No matter what happens - don’t give up on your infinity”

Even’s arms tighten around him as he looks down at the boy with the soft voice of a broken soul.

“Isak?”

Isak says nothing, instead he sits up, looks down at the watch in his hands - nearly identical to the one wrapped around Even’s neck this very moment.

“Wait what? How did you-”

Even’s eyes stare in shock and confusion at the pocket watch sitting in Isak’s hands, - panic hits him, the world flickers as Isaks stormy green eyes look into Even’s.

“I don’t care what happens or what happened, or what's real or not real - all that matters is that I loved you-” Isak’s voice breaks as tears fall from his eyes, ripping him apart as Even watches - watches Isak break under the beginning of the end.

“-and I love you-” his voice shakes with every word, tears rolling down his cheeks and painting a sky on the floor beneath them. “-and I- I believe - fuck I don't care, I believe no matter who we are, what we are, who we are with - without even knowing we exist, I will love you “

Even’s arms are around him again, awkwardly in this new position, Isak can feel him crying too and it makes the earth shatter around him.

His heart aches as he continues with a broken, lifeless rough voice, ”- I will always always deep down, somewhere in this fucked up universe - love you with all that I have and all that I am”

“Isak, please just talk to me” Even cries into his shoulder, it rips Isak in two, he can feel the crack running down his middle just like the one in the middle of the pocket watch.

He opens it up and all he can see are the cracks that belong to him.

The brokenness he resembles.

His hand reaches up to touch the skin of Even’s arm wrapped across his chest tightly, almost like he’s trying to keep him from disappearing, leaving, running away.

Isak wishes that it was even remotely possible that he could.

But he can’t.

He can’t because Isak isn’t just disappearing, he’s erasing everything.

He’s deleting their infinity.

Once and for all.

He holds onto the feeling, of Even’s kisses against his neck, his arms holding him tighter and fiercer than ever before, the way his tears fall around him like an ocean made from their own love. An ocean he finds himself falling in.

An ocean he wants to drown in.

But instead he rests his thumb on the dial.

“Isak Isak please Isak Isak Isak Isak Isak-”

He forces his eyes shut, the tears blinding him, shaking him, throwing him deeper and deeper into the waves of darkness.

He tries to drown out the noise but all he can hear are his cries over and over and over again.

“Isak Isak Isak Isak Isak”

“I’m sorry” he chokes out, broken and empty and weak, the only words left inside his body. The words dripping with regret and loss and - and nothing.

He feels the walls closing in, feels the touch of Even evaporate from his mind as his surroundings turn into mush - all he can think and feel and see are

His eyes.

The eyes of the boy he first fell in love with.

The smile, - the first time.

_The first time._

7.10.16

The moment becomes clearer as the darkness falls harder like pellets of ice, capturing his essence, his everything.

But it doesn’t matter because all he can see are his eyes.

The first time he saw him, and he saw him back.

The laughter, the raise of his eyebrows, the touch of his hand, the feeling of an earthquake vibrating in his stomach every time this mystery boy smiles at him.

He’s smiling at him.

And it is the first time.

The beginning.

Of the end.

Isak’s finger digs into the dial.

_“Even”_

_“Isak”_

The world grows colder than before, ice flooding in his veins, darkness throwing itself against his ribs.

_“You always talk about sucking dick with a stranger you just met?”_

_The laugh, the laugh of sunset and breakfast in bed and making love and holding hands and the feeling of grass between your toes._

_“Only the special ones”_

The ice is too much, it’s getting in his lungs, it’s hurting - it’s hurting and he can’t make it stop. This isn’t right, something's not right.

_“Anyway how rude of me to talk about dicks when I should be talking about your eyes”_

_“What about my eyes?”_

_A shrug, that raise of his eyebrows that sends his heart falling and beating and screaming inside him._

_“They’re pretty”_

He can’t breathe, he can’t feel anything, his hands aren’t his anymore - they aren’t moving, they aren’t feeling, they aren’t anything.

Am I dying?

Is this what dying feels like?

He tries to open his mouth to feel, or move, or do something but all he gets is a mouthful of heat burning in his throat like he is trying to swallow stars.

What's happening what's happening what’s happening.

_“Are you flirting with me?”_

_“Depends...do you want me to be flirting with you?”_

The darkness evaporates into nothing but blinding, scorching light, consuming Isak whole and melting him from the inside out with it’s hot burning gaze.

_His smile breaks free across his face before he can even remind himself to refrain from warming to people too easily._

_“I don’t know, but if this is what you call flirting-”_

_The beautiful boy gasps in response, his eyes crinkling at the corners as his smile brightens up the night sky around them._

_“Isak, I told you a dick joke and then complimented your eyes...I don’t know about you but that’s excellent flirting in my books.”_

The hot air pulls him further, deeper into the white blindening sky surrounding him, the darkness growing smaller and smaller and smaller as he falls forward into the nothingness digging into his skin - sucking him up until the last thing he sees is the darkness closing up entirely.

_“I wouldn’t say excellent.”_

_Eyes, the colour of a crystal being held up towards the sky, shakes him to his core as they hold him captive._

_“No? So you’re not already falling in love with me?”_

And then Isak is falling, tumbling down a blinding light of electricity, suffocating under the feeling of a hot hard presence sucking his every breath right out of his throat.

_One last smile, and then a touch of a hand - fingertips pressed against fingertips, palm against palm, arm against arm._

_“I didn’t say that”_

_The feeling of holding the brightest thing he has ever come across in his life, in his hand, sends goosebumps through his body as Even looks at him with the intensity of a million stars in the night sky shining above them. He looks at him like he is thinking the exact same thing Isak is -_

_This is the beginning of everything._

_This is when it all changes._

Stars , he can see stars - he can feel them pressing against his back, taste them sharp and hot inside his mouth and hear them calling out his name as the world falls, shatters and shakes around him.

The last thing he can see as the world breaks along with his body is Even saying what feels like a million years ago - “You didn’t have to”

And then it’s all gone.

 -

Isak wakes up and the world shines like silver for a few seconds, it glows and flutters behind his eyes and he feels like he is flying or falling through a tunnel of light.

But then gravity slowly comes back and hits every corner of his body until his feet feel like lead dragging him down down down.

His head aches, and his muscles spasm as he lays in the middle of something soft and familiar.

It’s like something clicks and his mind flips and jumps and throws itself into the forefront of his focus.

And finally, suddenly - he remembers where he is.

It’s his bedroom.

And no not _their_ bedroom.

But his.

His own.

His old one before he met Even, before they fell in love and moved in and then fell apart.

Before it all changed.

Before he met light and love and beauty and then lost it all to time and pain and grief.

This is the beginning of everything.

Right outside that door should be Eskild helping Noora, Eva, and Vilde plan a dumb party while talking about all the dick he got last weekend.

But this time Isak won’t go to the party. He won’t see Even and he never will.

This time he’ll make sure nothing ever ever ever changes in the past.

And then? Neither will the future.

His stomach churns, and the phone sitting on the bedside table dings and it causes Isak’s head to scream in agony in reply.

He doesn’t even bother looking at it as he turns it on silent and shoves it in his pocket. Answering any messages will not be necessary. All he has to do is stay away from Even.

Easy.

The yellow curtains wave around in the breeze, the sun peeking through and they make Isak smile. He hasn’t lived here in so long it feels weird being back. Strange actually.

In fact it almost doesn’t even feel like his room at all anymore.

It’s like it is so far back in his memory that all of this feels…….not right.

He sits up suddenly, looking down at the clean made bed, with a dark duvet Isak has never seen in his life.

The walls are still as he has only ever remembered them as - white and chipped, but they are covered in photos Isak’s eyes have to adjust to for a few seconds before he can see what they are of.

But then it hits him. And he stumbles of the bed closer and closer to the photos on the walls.

His friends.

Photos of his friends. Which is normal. They are his friends. He definitely had photos of his friends on his walls, he knows he did. But these…..

A photo of Linn and Eskild posing in front of a christmas tree.

Eva, Sana, Noora, Eskild and…..Elias? Sitting on the couch smiling.

_Elias??_

Eskild, Noora, Linn together laughing as they bake cookies while Elias tries to stick butter in Eskild’s pants.

Jonas and Elias posing in front of a Star Wars poster.

Eskild and Eva dancing at a party.

Isak steps back, a wave of uncertainty and confusion hitting Isak square in the face. None of these photos included Isak, let alone belonged to him. As a matter of a fact, the more he looks around the more he can see and feel that this room doesn’t belong to him.

The basketball lying in the corner of the room, the computer equipment and camera sitting on his desk, the _tidiness._

None of this was his - none of this was ever his. Something sick filled Isak’s bones. This isn’t right. None of this is right.

He should be in 7.10.16

But this isn’t his room. This should be his room.

He hears a loud thump and suddenly ice floods up his veins.

He can feel a cold chill of fear take over his body and he can’t pinpoint why exactly, but there is something stiff and fragile lingering in the air and he just wants to find a way to make sure he doesn’t meet Even and wham bam thank you ma'am he is OUTTA HERE.

But instead the bedroom door jolts open and Eskild is on the other side and it is a sight that Isak didn’t expect to consume him with a complete and utter feeling of relief and love and desire to be held by his friend.

“Eskild thank g-”

Eskild frowns and steps back, “Who the hell are you?”

“Wh-what??” Isak feels like someone had just slapped him. He can sense the earth tipping and his body clenching as Eskild’s eyes look him up and down with a sight of no recognition.

“Eskild? It’s me? This isn’t funny”

But instead Eskild raises his hands in fear, “Look I don’t know who you are or what you want but you seem like- you seem like just a kid, so if you just - just leave now without taking anything, I won’t press charges”

Isak feels like he’s going to throw up.

“B- but Eskild please, its me its me” This can’t be happening this can’t be happening.

Eskild steps aside for Isak to leave but he doesn’t. Instead he stands there in shock as tears threaten to release themselves from the itchy tingly feeling in his eyes but he pushes them back.

Eskild looks at him with the familiar look of concern and kindness and pity and for a second Isak thinks it is all just a big cruel joke but then Eskild waves at the door.

“Please just go. This is-” he laughs nervously “really weird.”

You can say that again Isak thinks but his heart is constricting in his chest and the room is spinning and this can’t be real. He is back in time. He knows he is - but he doesn’t remember ANY of this. Did he…..did he go so far back in time, that it’s before he even met Eskild?

Isak can’t think, he just has to get out so he can press the damn dial on his pocket watch and go to the RIGHT moment.

He runs out abruptly, hearing Eskild call out after him but he doesn’t listen he just runs and runs and runs down stairs, down the street until the world is a blur around him.He is trying to breathe but he can’t. He can’t remember how.

Breathe breathe breathe. You have gone back in time a hundred times not this is nothing. Just because none of this happened before doesn’t mean anything.

What the fuck he is fooling himself. This isn’t right.

This isn’t the moment he met Even. This isn’t where he’s meant to be.

A vibration in his pocket rips Isak away from his thoughts and to the phone he forgot he had pocketed earlier.

He pulls it out to see a instagram notification from Sana but he ignores it. Instead he opens it up and is bombarded with a photo of Elias and Eskild kissing.

WHAT THE ACTUAL F-

Isak doesn’t know Elias that well, he is Even’s buddy and Sana’s brother and he’s hung out with him a few times but not enough to know him like, that well. And if he doesn’t know him much after actually hanging out with him, how in the world are him and Eskild dating….

At all???

What what what what what.

It’s not even the surprise that Elias likes guys, that’s leaving isak in the middle of the street shock and speechless. It’s not even that eskild doesn’t remember him….okay maybe it’s a little that but-

It’s the idea that Eskild is in a relationship with someone who has photos of them as his screensaver, and lives with him and has him as ‘Esky baby” in his phone.

Isak doesn’t even know what the fuck to say to that. And yes he’s snooping now.

He suddenly notices everything different and strange about his surroundings. It’s the same but its not, but it’s the _same_ …..but its not.

It’s like those spot the difference games where you can feel and sense something not right but the only way you can start seeing the differences if you focus on one part of the picture and not the whole. And Isak is living in it.

He’s in front of a Kaffebrenneriet when he’s sure he should be in front of a bakery.

The road sign is across the street when he feels like it should be here.

But he’s not sure, how can he be sure?

Eskild didn’t recognise him. The person who always had Isak’s back - who took him in and loved him and supported him through everything, looked at him like he didn’t even- like he didn’t know him.

But that can’t be right.

None of this can be right. He’s just gone too far back in time - he’s just- this is not right. It’s fine. It will all be fine.

Suddenly he’s hit with a thought. There is one person - one person who has known him his entire life and been there with him through nearly every single moment.

One person who can tell him where he is and listen to him and his fucked up story and still try to believe him.

He would always try to understand him.

No judgement, no questions.

Isak needs his best friend.

And it’s taken him going back in time, watching the love of his life die 50 times - for him to finally reach out and ask for help.

But better late than never right?

His fingers shake as he dials the number - the cold chill of the wind slapping him across the face as he presses the phone to his ear and listens to it ring.

And ring

And ring

His world is spinning and his stomach is turning right when it finally stops - and then

“Oh hey man, whats up?”

Isak releases a breath he didn’t even realise he was holding.

“Jonas, thank god.”

There is a silence, a shuffle on the other end and it causes goosebumps to rise on Isak’s arms.

“Jonas?”

“I’m sorry who is this?” and then it’s like the entire ground he is standing on, has been ripped out from beneath him.

“I-it’s Isak”

Isak can hear the click of Jonas’s tongue as he tries to think but then all he replies with is a rejective “Sorry man, I don’t remember any Isaks. Why do you have Elias’s phone? Is everything o-”

Isak presses his finger against the screen, ending the call as bile rises up in his throat.

Jonas doesn’t know him.

 _Jonas_ doesn’t know him.

The only person who knows Isak better than….than _him_. And he didn’t know him.

Recognise him.

This can’t be real.

This can’t _can’t_ be real. It’s a mixture of fear and shock and disbelief and a little bit of pride when the thought hits him. When he begins to start actually pondering whether what had always been a fun theory he liked to read about…..is actually real.

His body is tingling and his heart palpitating as the thought tries to wiggle it’s way into his mind and plant itself there for good - but Isak won’t believe it yet.

He needs more.

He needs more proof.

So he pulls up google on his, - well technically Elias’s phone and he types in two words. Just two. The only two he needs, to know the truth.

_Isak Valtersen_

Nothing.

So he types again.  

_Isak Valtersen Oslo_

Still nothing.

Not his instagram, or his facebook, not even an article about that science fair he won once in seventh grade.

Not a single trace of him anywhere on the web.

His skin feels slimy against his bones. He feels like he is dreaming - at least he would be if he wasn’t already horribly aware that time travel exists and he hadn’t seen one man - _his man_ die about a hundred times.

He scrolls and he scrolls and he scrolls but no indication that he is alive, or has ever been alive, appears. Not a single trace.

But then a name catches his eye - in blue, a link waiting to be clicked and so he does.

“What Marienne Valtersen vows is the reason to her success”

The sky begins to fall around him, the words on the screen jump out to kick, and stab, and strangle Isak until he can no longer see or feel anything but the sting of the words in front of him.

_Mom._

Suddenly it feels as though the world is growing smaller, tightening the air around him until he is choking on his own breath.

Tears, and screams and a figure in bed begging for god to rescue them all, flash in Isak’s mind like images he has tried to burn but now the ashes are flying back in his mind unable to free him from the past.

The photo he is seeing on the screen in the palm of his hand is almost unrecognisable. She’s clean and strong and staring into the camera like she has the power to set fire to a million stars.

She looks healthy.

And it’s this - this proof of a world that can’t be his that sets things straight. That causes Isak to drop any and all doubts his mind tried to conjure up.

It’s enough for him to believe, yet he doesn’t stop reading the article. He doesn’t stop scrolling and letting the world wrap around his neck tighter.

And he should have stopped.

Because there was one thing he could read that was more painful than seeing the truth.

And sitting there in black and white were the words.

_“Valtersen laughs at the question. “Children? No no no” she shakes her head profusely at the question. “Never a thought in my mind. I think it’s common in our society to assume a woman’s only purpose is to have children and there is nothing wrong with that. Motherhood is a beautiful thing. But not for me. Children would have just held me back and possibly it might have even made me mad!” Valtersen laughs at the thought before taking a sip of water- ”_

Silence.

His entire world becomes full of nothing but silence as his body convulses with the feeling, the unbearable feeling of ice seeping into his veins, making him prisoner to the voices in his head.

The voice that has always been in his head.

His entire life.

When his mother started hurting.

When she started hearing things, and seeing shadows and falling apart in front of him.

When she couldn’t tell Isak apart from his father.

When she couldn’t look at him without screaming.

When she had to be hospitalised.

When he had to leave her just like his father did.

That voice Even always kissed away whenever it appeared.

But now it was back, and it was loud and hungry and poisonous as it screamed in his mind: _they would all be better without you in their lives._

Isak finds himself looking at the street around him. At the people laughing and holding hands and swinging their children like the skies have opened up and the sun was finally shining down upon them.

He feels the chill in the air and his heart drops and falls and crumbles.

The heat, the light, the scorching feeling of swallowing stars comes back to him. It was different this time because it didn’t work.

He didn’t go back in time to the day he met Even. In fact he’s not in the past at all.

This isn’t his world.

Time sent him into a parallel universe.

The stores, the blue sky, that tree him and Jonas used to climb, the people filling the air with a hum of life. It all looks the same. But it isn’t. Isak can feel it in his bones. The same feeling you get when you eat a different brand of cereal you’re not used to. - identical but still not right.

He can taste the difference,feel it in the air.

And the difference is the clearest thing in his life right now.

In this universe? Isak Valtersen was never born.

He doesn’t exist.

And the worst part?

He looks down at the photo of his mother in a fancy business suit, before pressing the home button and facing the photo of Eskild and Elias kissing and smiling like they are completely in love.

The worst part is that he was right all along.

Everyone _is_ better without him.

And it took losing Even, ripping time, and ending up in a parallel universe for him to know the truth.

So the question now is, how does he disappear?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: even dies of bee sting, falling down stairs, another car accident, in his sleep and making tea - nothing graphic
> 
> ahhhhhhhhh my loves <3 we're finally getting somewhere finally. the story i been so excited to write is finally happening and i hope you like it <3 all theories and thoughts welcome i love you so much and i can't tell you enough how much it means to me that you are reading this i love you thank you <3
> 
> p.s. WYOOOO DINOOOO you guessed it!! hahahaha i hope you like where this is going. i wanted to give you an exciting parallel universe story and i hope this delivers <3 
> 
> i hope this starts getting,,,,,good now lmao <3

**Author's Note:**

> also i made a spotify playlist of all the songs i've been listening to while writing this/have given me inspiration to write this. - feel free to listen to it and see if you can guess which song will be the next chapter! <3 i love you all
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/mikki-meow/playlist/7pyI6pHhwQz2rlNF43Zmvn?si=Elaa5HiTQQ-w3OgY7kKazw


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